Thursday, January 04, 2007

Just like the weather

We haven't seen the sun in what feels like forever. I know that its only been three or so days, but its gray, the snow is melting, and everything just feels dirty and dead. My mood has been about the same for the past couple of days. Tired, weepy, grumpy.

I haven't been sleeping very well for about the past week, and I don't think that is helping. I've been dreaming non-stop, and they aren't even remotely interesting. Obviously I need to deal with something, but it isn't evident from what my brain is trying to tell me. I keep waking up in some contorted position, with a sore neck and back, trying to get comfortable, and wake up again an hour later.

I know that I'm wound up about this cycle, and I'm mad at myself that I let myself get this invested in it. I'll go for the bloodwork tomorrow, but I can already hear the sad little voice of the nurse telling me the bad news. I went into this with low expectations, and I don't know why I couldn't just stick with them. And why, even after all that we went through to have Son, do I retain this tiny bit of hope that maybe I don't know everything after all, and tomorrow will be a day to celebrate? I would think that it would have been beaten out of my pessimistic soul a long time ago. Why do I do this to myself?

I've tried to prep Husband for the failure, but, as usual, I don't think that he is really listening to me. Although, I have to say, that is a recurring theme in my life. I can't get the dog to listen to me and get out of the deer poo in the back yard and Black Dog, please don't chase the squirrels up that neighbor's tree! Son, go to your room so we can change you diaper. Son, now!

All of this pent up frustration, on top of a job that I am slowly beginning to loathe, is making me bitchy, depressed, and I can cry for you at the drop of the hat. Really. Wanna see? Oh, and don't forget the balloon factor from the progesterone...Pants are snug, boobs are huge, and I hate everything I own in the clothing department. The only person that likes any of these side effects is Husband, and if he tries to grab me one more time....We may not have to worry about fertility issues anymore....

So, yes, I am Miss Mary Sunshine today.


Kristina said...


I'm sorry you're out of sorts. I could say all sorts of positive things, but I suspect you don't need that right now. So how about a cyber hug? I hope you feel better tomorrow.


Angie said...

I'm in MN too so I understand your weather complaints and I know firsthand how much it can effect a person's mood. But add that to all that you have going on mentally and physically and you have every right to feel a bit grumpy and vent.

I also know exactly what you mean about how you're trying not to invest hope into this cycle but it is truly unavoidable. It's normal and human and you wouldn't be tryign if you didn't really want a baby. I feel the same way. I'm a big talker but deep down I really do want this to work for us and sooner than later. Hang in there, you are not alone. I'm thinking about you, hoping and praying for a positive outcome today. Update as soon as you can!

Jenny Marie - tlol said...

Thanks for the nice gb message. I enjoy reading your blog. You have a very elegant way of writing.
Well, I guess you should have the news sometime soon. I could never bear to have the nurses tell me the "news". I always had to know ahead of time and would test myself. Those hormones are a bitch, aren't they? (For lack of a better word). I really hope that the news is/was good. Let us know.