Monday, November 26, 2007

Final Countdown

Here we are, in my last week of maternity leave. I don't know what to say, other than it seemed to go way too fast, and it only seems that recently that BabyA woke up and became more interactive. Once she started the whole social smiling bit, she just seemed to take off. I don't want to let someone else have those moments. She's been an absolute bear lately at night, and darn it, I want some of the good stuff too!

She still is refusing to go to bed before 10PM, which isn't that big of a deal now, but once I go back, I need that hour or so after bedtime to get things done like make up bottles for daycare for the next day, wash my pumping bottles, pump once before I go to bed, etc. She has been getting up once a night for the past week or so (the through the nights are history I think, at least for a while) at 4:30. Which wouldn't be bad, but since she doesn't go back down until 5:00-5:30, it poses a problem. By my calculations, I need to be up at 5:45 to allow me to shower and get ready before Son gets up, and still have time to get one more feed into BabyA before we leave and begin the 30 minute commute/daycare dropoff and still have me get to work at a somewhat decent time. I also need to feed and let out one of our dogs since Husband is refusing to do so due to some issues that we are having with Black Dog. Oh, and I get to do it all alone.

My mother has been insisting that I put my foot down and make a point to communicate to Husband that I need help. I don't see the point. Husband really ends up being more of a pain in the ass than anything. First, he doesn't know what to put on Son for clothes, then he gets into a power struggle with a two year old over putting on a diaper (for God's sake, just dig through and find the friggin' Elmo one already!), and in the end, just makes me inherently crabby. Oh, and then he has to mess with me when all I want to do is dry my hair and, gasp!, make it look better than if I had just rolled out of bed.

The whole dog issue has added even more onto my plate. So, now I'm not only worried about the work situation (see my previous post and after talking to my admin last week, I'm going to be walking into an absolute shitstorm), worried about getting two kids and myself out the door in a somewhat presentable state, and now, I have to part with my dog. Husband gave me the wonderful "him or me" ultimatum over the weekend. It broke me heart, and has managed to break through the Prozac-induced absence of crying. Black Dog is high needs-he needs to be walked, needs to be with his people, just needs. If he doesn't get his exercise, he starts barking, peeing in the kennel, you get the picture. I'm lucky if I can just get through the day sometimes, and while I would love to have the time to do the walks, I just don't. Husband hasn't made it any easier since he won't do anything to help. Yellow Dog is a different creature. When she barks, its for a reason-potty, something outside, not for attention. She's just as high energy, but it's manageable.

I know that this is the right thing for everyone. Black Dog needs a home that can give him all of the things that he needs, along with a fenced in yard (he tends to wander off or chase squirrels, or anything else that moves, but will bark incessantly if put out on a tie out). Our house has become too small for two large dogs and two small kids. If he finds another home, we can dismantle the kennel, and get a room back. Yellow Dog can be trusted to have the run of the house, and isn't the accomplished garbage diver that Black Dog is. She's not as good with kids in that she just forgets how big she is or where her tail is, but she has a great personality, and with some work, it can be fine. I've missed having her around, but I wish that her pass from the kennel didn't have to mean that Black Dog would have to leave.

The whole thing is really bothering me, since Husband made me get rid of one of our cats a couple of years ago as well. Same sort of thing-very sweet personality, but just some problem behaviors. While I can intellectualize all of this and tuck it all away behind a curtain of reason, it still hurts. Hurts because I feel as though I failed; both him and myself. Hurts because I really do love this creature, and will miss him. He's one of the few things in my life that doesn't make direct demands, and wants to please ME, not the other way around. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about it, and managed to finally cry myself to sleep. No one that I know will take him, so in the end, if I can't place him soon, he'll have to go to the humane society, or if they have room, one of the no-kill rescue groups. I don't want to do this. Then Husband asked me why I was so quiet yesterday. Duh. I just really don't want to deal with him right now. It just seems that I always have to lose what I love and what loves me. I'll forgive him eventually, but I can't do that right now, and I know that he'll never understand that.

Thursday, November 15, 2007


I know that this blog, if any of you are still out there and haven't been bored to absolute tears, has become horribly stuck on one topic-kids, kids, and more kids. Hell, I'm tired of it too.

What follows is a rant, plain and simple. If you're an infertile, you may want to look away, since the subject matter is how my kids are sucking me dry right now, how desperately I'm in need of a respite, and how today was one of those days where I ached to have my old life back (since this is MY fantasy, I won't poo all over it with reminders of how much I wanted kids).

It just hit me as I was walking a cranky two month old for the third time in an hour after she should have been asleep, that I haven't had what would count as a true break in quite a while. For some reason, 45 minutes alone at Target-chosen purposefully since my cell phone gets crappy reception in the concrete temple of all things bulls eye-just ain't cutting it. I know that part of it is that BabyA still isn't real taken with the whole nap thing, and really isn't content to spend more than 15 minutes at a time engaged in an activity where I'm not holding her, I'm not getting that half an hour or so to just flip through a magazine, or do something productive like fold laundry. We are going out of town this weekend, and after sorting everything today, I had a small mountain of laundry that really needs to be done before we shove off tomorrow afternoon. I'm stressed out about how when we get to our destination, Husband will no doubt wander off and have fun, while I run interference with a cranky baby, and a toddler who will be wound up beyond all recognition. I'll also have the fun of being the referee between super pushy older cousin and Son. Wahoo, all kinds of fun.

I'm wound up about going back to work. My manager was in town for the past couple of weeks, and said that he had wanted to have lunch. Part of me thinks that I was so "busy" and didn't end up seeing him because I just don't want to face the crap that I will be walking back into. We had yet another major management change rather abruptly a couple of weeks ago, and instead of going in the right direction, I think that this is a negative change. The former head of our department is a superstar-people all over the country in our little niche of the law know him, and he brought a maturity to our group that we have been lacking. He knew how to play the political game, but yet still get the right result in the end. He was bringing us up to the big leagues, on par with the IBMs and Kodaks, etc. We all knew that he had general counsel written all over him, and expected him to be at the head of the line when our relatively young GC stepped down in a couple of years.

I get a phone call a couple of weeks ago telling me that the time table has been moved up over a year. Our former head is now the acting GC, effective immediately, and that the new head of our group is probably the worst thing that could have ever happened to us. He's a micromanaging control freak that sent that last new attorney that he hired running in less than a month. He's ultra conservative, extremely risk adverse, and doesn't take kindly to anyone differing in opinion from him. This is not a good thing for me. While I still report to my original manager, I expect some serious changes. I've been left alone for most of my career. I don't hesitate to make a decision if I need to. I'll use my best efforts to get input or guidance from those above me if necessary, but if they can't/won't get back to me in the timeframe that I need, I feel comfortable in making the executive decision. Up until now, I've done that with the blessing of whomever was managing me at the time. However, with this guy, I don't see that happening. The thing that make this all the more difficult is that he is painfully slow to make any decision, and tends to be an obstructionist as opposed to trying to find creative ways to solve problems, or make a deal work that is a win for everyone. I've had clients ask me to step in on issues that obviously weren't mine due to technology, but they were desperate for action, and needed help now. Our business moves too fast to sit on things, so I know that I have probably stepped on his toes more than once. I'm just worried that he is going to make life very difficult, when it is already going to be tough. I don't feel ready to go back. I don't know if I WANT to go back-not necessarily because I don't want to leave my baby (which I don't), but rather because the work environment is going to be crappy.

All of my typing appears to be bothering the princess, so I have to cut it off here. God, I miss those days of sleeping children by 8 PM.

Monday, November 12, 2007

I'm not happy either

Two month appointment today. We dropped Son off at daycare before we went. The thought of an overprotective big brother being around for BabyA's first shots was not a good one. He flips out when a gaggle of toddlers gets too close to her-a nurse bearing four admittedly HUGE needles? Uh, no.

Everything looks good. I was right on about her weight being around 11ish. She was 10lbs, 15 oz, and a hair over 24 inches. That is over three inches in two months! Usually I am a little skeptical with the length measurement, since Son was always wiggling so much. BabyA stayed put-so the likelihood that it is right is pretty high. So, I have another tall, skinny one. She's in the 97th percentile for height, and the 55th for weight. I asked if that was a problem, and the doctor didn't seem to think so. She's not overly skinny, so I guess that we'll just keep going as we are.

Shots were yukky, horrible, made me want to cry just as loud as she did. One of them was pretty deep and was bleeding. Husband held her, since I just couldn't do it. We also got her the rotovirus oral vaccine. If it will help for her not to have to suffer through it, we'll deal with it. At least it wasn't one more shot. It must not have tasted very good either-she screwed up her face and gave all three of us a dirty look.

Overall, it was a good visit, which is a far cry from her two week follow-up. We'll have to see how she handles the shots, so we may end up going out and picking up some Tylenol later. I know that it is the right decision, especially since she is going to be in daycare sooner rather than later (sob!), but it is so hard to hear those screams.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

The state of the household

Well, here we are at two months. The pros: she's sleeping fantastic at night, nursing is going well, and she's become more interactive and the smiles are getting more frequent.

The cons: she still struggles with naps that aren't begun in the carseat, although today she conked out for almost three hours after a marathon nursing session (she must have been very pooped, since the blankets stayed on for almost the entire nap). She's still really difficult to soothe at times, although I just may be missing her tired cues and not getting it. However, I can deal with the nap issues-we'll just keep trying, and she'll eventually get it. Now if I could get her to go to bed before 10 PM, life would be just about perfect.

I know, I know, there is no making me happy. I complained about Son's lousy night sleep at this age, but now that I have what I think is a pretty good sleeper, I've got something else to complain about-the reticence to nap. Son is still a fantastic napper, at least here at home. They practically have to sit on him to get him to stay put at daycare, since they don't have the cage, er, crib to rely on. He's just too busy there. Either that or we're just incredibly boring. Hmmm....

She has her two month appointment tomorrow, so it should be interesting to see how big she is. I'm thinking 11ish pounds and 22 inches at this point. She's almost too long for the 0-3 month sleepers that she was swimming in when we brought her home. Either way, things seem to be going pretty well.

There are other things that I need to hash out-some big changes at work that may have me looking for another position, how I think that that Husband is in for a shock when I go back to work, etc. However, princess is calling.