Wednesday, January 17, 2007


Hormones. Gotta love the hormones. From my perspective at this point, weapons of mass destruction. Today has not been good. For some reason I have just been "off" all day. I know that those pesky hormones are at the heart of it all, but it doesn't help me feel any better. I know that it is just a matter of bucking up and getting through it. However, being a control freak of sorts, not having a firm grasp on much of anything is not working for me.

The day started off alright. I only hit the snooze once (hooray me), even though the urge to stay in the comfortable position that I had found at the perfect temperature was a strong pull. My feet hit the ground, I grab what I need to get going in the bathroom, and then it hit. The hard swallow. Oh boy. Water, I'll grab some water, THAT will make me feel better. I go to the kitchen and get a glass of water out of the refrigerator, and my lovely progesterone. Shuffle back to the bathroom, hoping and praying that Son doesn't hear me wandering around on our perpetually creaking hardwoods.

The water? Not such a good idea. So, as of today, I've had my first official bout with morning sickness. I had to make a quick decision; toilet (stinky, maybe make me feel worse) or sink (way closer, and a much larger target). Sink it is! This isn't just morning sickness, since it has continued on all day long thus far. I know that my whining will fall on deaf ears. Lots and lots of people go through this. I was spoiled last time with Son, because all it would take was a saltine or two and some water to make it all go away. I have a feeling that I won't be that lucky this time. Yuck.

After that little adventure, I managed to get us out the door, but Son was being, well, a toddler so everything took three times as long as normal. I hate doing this alone all of the time. Its enough to make me doubt how I will be able to pull this off with another one in tow. My stomach had finally settled enough that I could stop strategizing how to avoid the upholstery in the Jeep if things head south. I then start crying on the drive to work. Just was so sad. Sad that I had to leave Son with daycare, when all I wanted to do was hold him all day long and read stories and build block towers for him to knock down. Why this hit me, I'm not too sure. Yesterday wasn't a good day for him; when I dropped him off, all he did was scream and cry. That kid can kick out some serious big, perfect tears. I know that I'm worried about how he is going to adjust to everything that is going to be happening in the next year. I feel like I have this finite period of time to make sure that he understands (as well as any 16 month old can) that is loved so much that it hurts. That how we feel about him won't change. I'm just worried. Its hard to go from center of the universe to having share that space.

I just can't dig myself out of this pit today, and I know that its not all me, its those damn molecules racing around my system. The same sneaky bastards that are making anything that looks like, smells like, or even resembles food to be utterly repugnant right now. I tried to get down some tater tots for lunch. Should be innocent, right? Note to self: they need to change the oil in fryer in the cafeteria.

Oh, and to top it off? One of the pairs of pants that I hoped would let me make it for another 4-6 weeks are already snug. F*ck. Here I was all smug that I could avoid maternity wear for another month or two. When will I learn??


Angie said...

I'm sorry you had such a lousy day yesterday. I hope the all day m/s is just a fluke and not an on-going thing. It's the worst and while I've been through the worst, I still totally and completely sympathize with you. I also have those days when I feel horrible for not being with Keegan - today, for example. I had a late dinner meeting last night and then an early morning today so I'm feeling miserable that I haven't seen him at all. It's hard to be a working mother! Hang in there! I hope today is a better day for you.

Ria said...

Hope you feel a lot better soon.. I too have the bouts of sickness today and couldnt get myself out of bed.. Pregnancy is such a great thing... (i think!)