Monday, July 10, 2006

Musings on #2

The past couple of days I have been seriously thinking about the logistics of trying to have another baby. My wonderful (?) husband has declared that the decision is up to me. Hunh?? Let's see, it directly impacts you, but you leave it up to me? Ugh.

Anyway, it became very clear to me this weekend that my son needs a sibling. Almost requires one. He's so social and I think, gulp, that he got a bit bored with just Mom and Dad this weekend. He just likes to be around other kids, although lately I have noticed that he seems to be getting better at playing by himself. I was good at that too, and since I was virtually an only child (my brother is six years younger than me) it was out of necessity. Maybe that is why I still need periodic spells of alone time. But I digress.

Son just gravitates towards other people. Stranger anxiety? What's that? He's only cried once, and that was at daycare with some maintenance guy that came into the room. I was told that he was absolutely inconsolable, which is really out of character for him. I just believe that he would benefit from having a sibling. First, that whole concept of share is reinforced. Second, and maybe most importantly, he can learn that while he is loved and that we are always there for him, the universe doesn't revolve around him. Blasphemy, I know, but I've seen so many kids that just have such a tough time adjusting to that or just flat out figuring it out. It can get in the way of social relationships and just plain being able to get along. My mom has taught kindergarten or first grade for almost 30 years, and she keeps running into these kids. It's hard on them, and takes away from the actual learning. I know that there are a lot of only children that are out there that function just fine, but a recurring theme is being a bit lonely. I don't want that for my son.

OK, since I appear to have convinced myself that this whole concept needs to be a reality, there are a myriad of other issues to confront. Let's get these in order, shall we?
  • Housing. Our house only has two bedrooms upstairs (gotta love those mid-60's split levels...). Husband is a proponent of moving Son to the downstairs bedroom if/when #2 comes along. I'm not going for it-I refuse to have a toddler on a different floor from me. Not happening. Every other mom that he pitches this to ends up with an alarmed look and serreptiously looks at me with the blatent question: "Is he nuts?" I just smile and nod. Husband does not want to move again. OK, fine, make another bedroom appear out of thin air. Ugh. The housing market here is a mess right now-a glut of homes, and none of them are moving. I've found a house that really would be, well, darn near perfect, but I can't get the gumption to show it to Husband. Even if I could, we would still have to sell the one that we have. Really got to work on that assertiveness thing the shrink keeps talking about.
  • Spacing. I really don't know what to do with that one. I'm not getting a whole lot younger, and with a past riddled with infertility, I don't think waiting is going to help a whole lot. This fall I'll turn 35 (I can hear the death knell of my fertility as I type) and Son will turn one. Assuming that we would start trying in January (see finances, below), and it takes us a while to be successful, Son would be two when #2 comes along. Sounds OK on paper, but two in diapers? Do I want to miss out on all of the cool stuff Son will be doing as a toddler not only pregnant but with a newborn? On the other hand, the whole sleep deprivation/diaper phases would be close enough together that it would be a little compressed. Not a bad option I suppose. They would definitely get to grow up together, which is sort of the point of this whole exercise. Oh, and if it was a another boy, all of the clothes might still be somewhat in fashion!
  • Finances. Due to my sorta kinda OK medical insurance, they will cover all of the ultrasound (albeit with a $25 co-pay) and the bloodwork. However, they only pick up 20% of the med cost. Last time around, my out-of-pocket ran right around $1000/cycle. This isn't a huge issue, since I can take out $5000/year for my FSA. However, there is also the issue of paying for daycare after #2 would arrive. I am the primary breadwinner, so me staying home isn't an option. For what we may end up in paying for daycare, Husband, if he stays in his current job, could very well quit and be a stay at home dad. Not so sure how that would work though. Last weekend he couldn't handle baking cookies and taking care of Son. I ended up taking care of Son and giving two dogs a bath. Multi-tasking just isn't his thing. Neither is patience, and even experienced moms go into overload with an infant and a toddler. Husband might just bypass overload and go into freak out. Not a great thing for any of the parties involved.

So, here I sit, really, really, really wanting another baby, but just seeing so many things that have to be worked through and figured out, that I just wonder if we will ever get there. Of course, I can focus on logistics to distract me from the fact that we may very well not be able to have another baby. Maybe Son was the one miracle that we have been given, and we've used up our quota. That's the thing about infertility; even if you are able to overcome it once, it doesn't mean that it won't rear its ugly, horrid head again. We had to go through so much last time, both physically and mentally. I know that the end result is worth it, but I'm so afraid of having to darken my RE's doorstep that one more time.


Serenity Now said...

Welcome to blogland. TLOL is a scary place lately, and I enjoy blogging so far. Anyway, welcome!!

Serenity Now said...

Oh, and this is a former TLOL-er, my name there was Kylen and I was in the Thinking of Conceiving category.

pithydithy said...

Hey! You've got a blog!!!!! Did you mention that you were going to this over at TLOL? I don't remember....well, I suppose that it doesn't matter. And I'd totally get it if you hadn't-- I agree with Kylen that things are scary over there, which is really sad to me. Anyway, I wanted to first say-- #2!!!!!!! I'm excited! I mean, I get all the logistical planning and uncertainty and such, but it's so much easier as your loving audience to just imagine the joy that it will bring. I'll be following along as you figure out the hows and ifs and wheres and whens (but not they whys. They never need explaining :-)

Second, I wanted to thank you for your kind, comforting, and funny comments over at my place. All of that support has meant a ton to me!

PS-- I'm going to add you to my sidebar blogroll. Holler if you object.