Just talked to Husband during his daily check in on my call. He had been awful quiet today, so I was happy to talk to him. Until he mentioned this weekend.
After being gone pretty much all of last week and weekend, he's working both Saturday and Sunday morning. This entails being to work by 6 AM (leaving home by 5:30) and not getting home until 11:00 or later that morning. Which means that he will be so tired that he will be absolutely useless for the rest of the day, or worse, grumpy and cranky.
The thing that really pisses me off is that no one told him about this little departure in schedule. He runs the damn place, but his more useless by the minute assistant has a VERY bad habit of leaving holes in the schedule and not doing a damn thing to fill them until we get the phone call at 11:15 on a Saturday night that no one is on the schedule to do the audit that night. Being a hotel, it is a 24/7 business so SOMEONE has to be there. My vote is brainless assistant-Husband doesn't see it that way. I know that it impresses guests to see the GM there on a weekend morning serving breakfast, but dammit, why this weekend?
Last week was hard-I would have been tired even if I wasn't pregnant and trying to keep everything together. I'm slowly working on catching up on my sleep, and I'm proud to note that I haven't fallen asleep in my chair at work for two whole days in a row. Impressive in light of my previous feeble efforts. He doesn't get that. He doesn't think that it would be hard to do it all for a week. Oh, and grow another human being. I'm happy that he had fun.
He asked me last night what Son could get me for Mother's Day (and a couple of hours later asked me what day that was, exactly...yep, high on his list). It doesn't matter now. I didn't want anything other than to maybe get a couple of hours out in my gardens, or a trip to my favorite nursery to just linger. I had even thought about going home, even though it is the fishing opener-it's a very big deal here; if you don't live in Minnesota, you may not get it-maybe go out on the boat with my dad and just fish in silence. You know, relax. If I want to do that, I'll now have to do it alone. A three hour trip (which, because my parents live "up north" will turn into four because of all of the people going up to fish or open up their cabins for the year) with a toddler that isn't that crazy about his carseat for that long, doesn't sound like much fun. The trip home would just be a repeat.
Just to try to give some context as to why I'm so upset about this, last year, my first Mother's Day with an actual child, he blew it completely-even called me selfish that I wanted some time alone. The kicker was that he didn't even care enough to really know when Mother's Day was-so he completely didn't connect that I was asking for a little leeway that day for a reason. He had mentioned going out to eat that day-I had let myself get excited that maybe he had made reservations for brunch or something. No, didn't get that far. For some stupid reason he thought that it was on a Monday. WHAT?? Now, I know that it is just a day, but after all that we had gone through to have Son, it meant a lot to me. I was finally a mom, had joined the club that I never thought that I could join. Infertility had caused me to dread that day to the point that I couldn't even acknowledge my own mom (rotten I know). I felt so let down, so hurt. On top of the PPD I was dealing with, it wasn't pretty. When I relayed this whole thing to my doctor in a follow up appointment, it was the one and only time that I broke and cried. It had just cut me to the very core. Combine that with a very shaky sense of confidence in my ability to mother in the first place, a thing that endures in me even now, and I couldn't help but feel completely devalued.
I had hoped that it would be different this year-but yet again I'll be left to my own devices, or to him trying to do something, but not because he wants to, but because he thinks that he HAS to. That he will end up thinking he deserves a medal for because he's dealing with his irrational wife. That I should owe him for. I have never wanted to be an obligation to anyone for anything; either you do it out of genuine feeling or you don't do it at all. Guess that it won't be done at all.
At the end of the day, I just want my husband to tell me that I do an OK job at mothering Son, and that I'll be OK with this next child. Should I need this? Shouldn't I be secure enough in myself to know how I'm doing? Probably, but I'm not. I suppose that I should go and try to find something for my own mom. At least I can be a decent kid.