Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Why can't I get out of this?

I'm having another one of those days, and I don't know why. Everything is making me want to cry. I just want to crawl under the covers, and hide out from everyone and thing. This doesn't make sense.

I understand the whole pregnancy hormone roller coaster, I do. However, when do I get to be at the top of the hill? When? I'm just getting worried that I may need to seek out some chemical intervention (i.e. anti-depressants) and I really, really don't want to. There's just not enough out there in the literature that can convince me that they won't mess with my baby at some level. I can't risk that.

Things are really good. Son is transitioning into the toddler room at daycare, and at the halfway mark, things seem to be going pretty well. He's having to learn some new things, like sitting still for more than two minutes (unrestrained mind you), and he's even starting singing a little bit of the songs that they use. Husband actually remembered to get me a card today. In the almost 10 years that we have been together, this is the first valentine that I've ever gotten from him. We're leaving on a mini-vacation this weekend, the first time without child and dogs. I haven't had any more spotting since our scare a couple of weeks ago, and everything looked fine on the ultrasound. Why can't I get out of this funk?

There are some things that aren't so good. My job, well, I'm on the brink of really beginning to hate it. All I see in front of me is doing the same thing for the next 10 years. I'm bored, and feeling pushed out to the periphery. There is no opportunity to move up or anywhere else. My first maternity leave hurt me, even though I can't point to any one thing to support it. It's just a change in attitude. I haven't told anyone here yet, and I plan to continue this until I can't hide it anymore. As far as I can tell, I should be able to make it until March, or even further. I know that I'm due for a growth spurt at some point, but if I work it right, no one should be the wiser. I'm sort of the opinion that it's no one's business.

Our vacation plans are also looking to go haywire, as I found out his morning. We were supposed to leave to go up to my parents to drop off Son on Thursday afternoon, with the intention of getting out of town before the afternoon rush hour. If we don't time it right, a three hour trip rapidly turns into four, and we get to deal with Son having a meltdown the last hour of the trip. Husband called this morning on his way to his doctor's appointment, and told me that his inspector is in town. She was at one property today (she only can do one a day), and will probably hit him either tomorrow (please) or Friday (shit). It's an all day thing, and he won't get done until at least 4PM the day that he gets it. We could go on with our plans, but he really should be there. He has a good chance to become an outstanding property with this inspection, and it really would be a feather in his cap. However, we may end up paying for a night at the house where we aren't even there. The plan, for now, is that I will still go up to my parents on Thursday, and he will follow when he can. If it turns out to be Friday, I'll probably just meet him in Duluth. No sense in him driving six hours when he only needs to go three. We actually allowed ourselves to get excited about this. Dumb, dumb.

So, there's my happiness for the day. I'm frustrated, and I want to throw a tantrum of my own, pitch a fit, and scream that it's not fair. We play by the rules, and we get screwed. Ugh.


Jen said...

The same thing happened to me when I got pregnant, and with each pregnancy. I just CAN'T seem to enjoy the pregnancies because after the initial joy/shock of learning I'm pregnant - the depression sets in. I couldn't shake it for either pregnancy, but the cloud lifted after I gave birth (ironically) each time. I was bummed, overly concerned about my expanding figure (dur!), feeling really out of control, etc. There were a few good days in each pregnancy when the sun came out and I felt really good, but overall I spent both pregnancies pretty darn depressed. Like you, I didn't mention it to my provider and I didn't want to get on antidepressants because I feared the unknown. It's good you get to "get away" for a bit, I hope you get much needed rest!

Reesh said...

I too have been feeling mighty depressed this pregnancy, something I didn't experience with my first. The closer I get to the second trimester, the easier it's getting, but I still feel blue most days. I have also started taking 1000mg of vitamin B-12 everyday and Bach Original Flower Remedy - Mustard Sinapis Arvensis, which is an all natural remedy my midwife recommended. Maybe these will stave off anti depressants while pregnant for you too.

Good luck, thinking of you...