'Cause, you know, you're old

This whole over 35 and over being pregnant thing is really beginning to bug me. I know that there is nothing that I can do about it, and that I need to just suck it up and go through it, but jeez.

Yes, I could say that I don't want all the testing and fussing. But, I know me. Then I would be worried that I should be worried and that since I don't know that I shouldn't be worried I'll worry even more. I'm a dork, I know it.

So, being a born researcher, I've been reading. Not obsessively as I may have wanted to, since Husband, being the font of support that he is, refuses to talk about the possibility of anything being wrong. Since I need to verbalize at times to organize things in my head, and he is the only available adult most of the time, all of this just sits in my head. I have a cousin that has Downs. He is very high functioning, and is in his early 40s, and while living at an assisted living facility (mainly to help with cooking; he's a guy after all, and is a bit challenged anyway), he has an independent life. He holds down a job, has friends. As far as I know, he's avoided a lot of the medical issues that are common with Downs. The thing that worries me is that he isn't the classic Down case-older parents, etc. He was the first child of my aunt and uncle, and they were both in their early 20s when they had him. They went on to have two other genetically normal kids, and there have been no issues with their children. I just wonder why then, why him? Is there something lurking in my genetics that could rear it's head now?

I know that there are other things, things that can be controlled to some degree by lifestyle. Diabetes (yea, yea, I've flunked on that one myself), and stroke risks. My great grandmother and grandmother all ultimately died of strokes. My mom, who really takes great care of herself, has had one unexplained blood pressure spike that resulted in blowing out a vein in her eye. Husband has Alzheimer's lurking, and a recent CAT scan has scared us both as to what we may be facing. This is stuff that we can address.

I'm just getting worried and building up all sorts of anxiety over all of this extra screening. We elected to do the first trimester screen, and have that scheduled for the 27th (yet another day that I'll have to make up a plausible excuse for...this is getting hard). I won't get my 20 week ultrasound at my OB's office, but have to go back to the same place where I get my first trimester, since it has to be a level II off the bat. Dammit, I don't feel that old!!

Myabe that's the gist of it: I don't feel that old. It's not like this was a choice. I wanted to be done having kids at least three years ago. This would have meant getting pregnant when we first starting trying. I was 28. I was a couple weeks shy of 33 when I delivered Son. There are still days where I don't feel like a grownup and am amazed at this life that I have. A mortgage, a career, planning for retirement? What the? When did this hapen? I've put away the worries about how old I will be when Son and #2 graduate from high school. The fears that I may not live to see them married, and with their own kids. Husband's dad didn't get to meet his grandson, something that really bothers Husband. Husband's dad was in his mid-40s when Husband was born. I keep telling Husband that, first of all, you were 35 when Son was born, so you've got 10 years there. Second, he hasn't had as tough of a life physically as his dad, he can still be active. Maybe his fears are rubbing off on me. Great, just what I need.

Sigh, I guess I'm just going to have to deal with it. Still doesn't mean that I have to like it.