Into the fire

OK, my ampedness (OMG, is that a word??) about our appointment with Dr. RE has now turned to a whole lot of anxiety. Almost a panic.

To assuage my anguish, I need to get this down just to show myself how absolutely silly I'm being. Oh, and for some idiotic reason, overly optimistic.

I'm just, well, nervous. Nervous that Dr. RE is going to say that now that I have graduated into the "advanced maternal age" category (I turned 35 earlier this month), that we are going to have to deal with even more crap. That cheaper IUIs may be of limited use to us. That he thinks we need to go to IVF, and since I'm so damn huge, I'll need to find another clinic. (They won't do retrievals in the office for someone of my size due to possible anesthesia complications. They could do it over at the hospital across the street, but they have experienced lower success rates when they have to walk the eggs through the tunnel under the street to their lab.)

I'm feeling a little panicky in that all of the weight that I had lost initially after I had Son is now back (gratefully I don't have to say "plus more") and that was one thing that Dr. RE had harped on the last time that we went through this. Basically, I'm not ready physically to do this again. I swore last time that I wouldn't go into another pregnancy out of shape or at my present weight. Part of it was based on vanity-try finding plus size materinity clothes that don't look like giant hefty bags. Oh, and since I'm short, everything was waaaaay too long. The other part was that because I didn't have any endurance before I had Son, I really think that it impacted my ability to deliver him. Now granted, I get to cut myself some slack because he didn't turn the way that he was supposed to. If I remember correctly, he was facing to my right. My OB kept telling me that it would have been tough for anyone to deliver without some sort of help. However, I can't help but believe that since I didn't have any endurance, that I was so tired, I couldn't muster the strength to get him out myself. That's why we had to use the vacuum, and because it was so tough, he will always have a calcified lump on his skull. Yes, it was that traumatic for him. I've felt guilty since I first saw the huge black and blue mark on his otherwise adorable little noggin.

I guess maybe it comes down to the worry/fear of being judged again. That I can't function like a normal woman. I was "normal" only when I was pregnant. After that, I went back to my dysfunctional self. I had managed to put away a lot of those feelings after I had Son. After all, it didn't matter anymore. I had Son. To open up that wound again just goes to show that I didn't deal with everything before. Sigh.

I'm just hoping that Dr. RE will agree that we can try the IUIs again. Also, that we can take one shot in December to use up that FSA money that I haven't spent. If that one doesn't work, then we wait until around March to get my act together, get back on my Metformin (oh, the joys of working my way up on the dosage...yuk). Oh, and the fact that if it would work this spring, I wouldn't be hugely pregnant during the summer. Of course, I'm being optimistic, but I can't think of any other way to be. Otherwise, what's the point?