Tuesday, October 17, 2006

What was I thinking?

I'm an idiot. Really. I once again wasted money on a pregnancy test. What was I thinking? That I could be freakin' normal like other people? Dumb, dumb, dumb. To get all lawyerly, ...in order to avoid all doubt...BFN. I'm not upset per se, since I got to enjoy some libations last night, but damnit, I really had hoped that I might get cut some slack here. I guess that the cosmic winds just aren't in my favor.

So, we keep the appointment with the RE and see where we go from here. I know that I'm ready to do this again (Ok, so who is ever really ready?), but I wish that we didn't have to be so clinical about it. We laugh when we talk about the fact that we barely saw each other the day that Son was conceived. Seriously, Husband left home at 7AM, and I didn't see him until 7PM that night, after the IUI. Just doesn't seem right or fair.

I guess what this has brought home is just how scared I am that we won't be able to do this again. Or worse, we will, and something will go wrong. I've been fortunate to never have had to deal with a loss, and I hope that I never do. It just makes me realize how fraught with challenges and hurdles this whole thing is. How it truly is a miracle each and every time a child is conceived, and then is delivered into the world.

All we can do at this point is see what the RE says, but I don't expect much of a departure from the last time we did this. Nothing has really changed from a status point of view, so I'm sure that it will be off to do new bloodwork (yuk), an appointment with the wand, and some provera to get a real period. Looks like we would have enough in the good 'ol FSA to do something yet this year. Husband is completely on board, which is nice, but things will be a bit more complicated than before. I don't know how we will juggle the appointments and daycare, etc. Daycare is in a completely opposite direction from the RE's office, and Husband's work is even further in the opposite direction. So, I most likely will get to battle traffic coming and going, and Son is going to be spending a lot of time in the carseat.

The things that we do. Ugh. Well, I've had another case of insomnia, and now I think that I'm finally ready to go back to bed. The alarm goes off in an hour. It's gonna be a long day.


Kristina said...

I'm sorry... I had hoped that you could avoid the RE route this time :(. Good luck with your appointment- I hope everything goes smoothly. TTYL

pithydithy said...

I'm catching up late (sorry!) but wanted to send some words of encouragement. I can imagine that re-entering the terrible (to me at least) world of infertility treatments is scary, but I also have tons of hope for you. But, then, I'll keep hoping that one of those pregnancy tests will be positive before you even get to IUI. It could happen! Hugs.