Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Why can't time just stand still for a little while?

Just one of those days...again. God, I hate hormones, I hate lurking depression, hate.it.all.

It was one of those days where it took all that I had to leave Son at daycare and walk out the door. He had been in a horrible mood this morning, and everything was sending him into tears. (I guess that we that in common). He's been fighting a cold for over two weeks now, he's tired, his nose is literally raw from all of the wiping, to the point that it bled last night. The only thing that seemed to make him feel better was when I picked him up, wrapped him up in a blanket, gave him his bear, and we stood and looked out the window. I so didn't want to let him go-I feel like time is this relentless force, and that our chance moments of quiet like that are slipping through my fingers, never to be recaptured.

My little boy needed me, and I had to walk out the door.

It felt like the first day when I had to leave him. Will he get the cuddles that he needs, the hugs? Will they know that he just needs/wants to crawl into their lap and look at a book, or just lean back into them while holding his blanket? Will they know? Will they care?

I'm probably being overly dramatic about all of this. I carried him in this morning, and by the time we got his blanket put away, and his coat off, he was looking with great interest at the play area. All of his friends were there. I gave him another hug, and set him down on the other side of the wall. His friend M, who is like a sister (they are six weeks apart and have been together since he started at the center) offered him a toy, and he didn't look back for me. To see the two of them together is actually comforting. They are a pair of contrasts; for as big and blond as he is, she is dark and petite. They seek each other out for comfort, and he is her protector.

I know that he's in a good place, but I still have those days where I hate the fact that I can't be with him more. There's no way that I can ever stay home. I'm the primary income for us. Working in the corporate area, the likelihood of me every swinging part-time is so low that I don't even consider it. There are times that I resent it so much. Today is one of those days.

In the end, I don't know if I could do it as a stay at home. I'm not that social, and Son would be stuck with me all day. All the enrichment activities in the world are no substitute for being around other kids. He's social, and he is learning new things every day. I just hate that other people get so much of him. Before I know it, he won't want to be held with a blanket and a bear. Then what? I won't get that time back. I think that's what is hitting me the most. I want to burn that picture of my beautiful blond boy running to me with the biggest smile in my mind so I never lose it. I'm just so terrified of missing something.

The thought of having to do this again with another child is really eating at me right now. I feel as though I lose a piece of me each day that I have to leave them. What I look forward to is having to do it again. Leaving a newborn. It's the hardest thing to do. And the kicker is, the U.S. wants to reduce our benefits even more. It's hard enough to have to take six of the twelve weeks unpaid. We don't live beyond our means, but to take any more time than that is not financially possible.

So, here I sit in my office crying, stifling the urge to leave with my keys, and take my son home. I just miss him so much. Why can't time just stand still for a little while?

1 comment:

Billie said...

Oh, I can so identify. After I had my second, I naively thought that taking him to daycare would be easier since I was "used" to doing it with son #1. Instead, it was awful. I felt like I was now letting down two little people instead of one, and the sadness was almost overwhelming. But we manage, and we are happy for the most part. Take care, Billie