Paranoia 0, Reality 1

The visit with Dr. RE went remarkably better than I anticipated. Of course, all of my worries were the product of my over-active, trained to always look for the possible risk, brain. There are times when being an eternal pessimist can work in your favor; in this case, I got to be pleasantly surprised.

Even though Dr. RE was over an hour late, he spent about 45 minutes with us. Part of it was follow-up from our successful cycle. How did the pregnancy go, delivery, etc.? He wasn't surprised about the GD due to my PCO. He was looking through my file as we were talking, and he was kind enough to point out that Son was the result of our fifth cycle of injectibles. Fifth. Now that I am sort of removed from the whole thing, that number sort of shocks me. It certainly didn't feel like we had been through the ringer that many times. That isn't counting the five cycles of useless clomid that we did with my OB/GYN either.

He has labeled me as clomid-resistant. Big surprise there. Only ovulated once on 150 mgs. We both agreed, without a whole lot of discussion, that he won't subject me to that again. Believe it or not, I actually felt worse on Clomid than on 150 umg of Gonal-F. The plan (oh God, we have a plan!) is for me to come in and get a progesterone draw sometime after Thanksgiving just to make sure that I haven't spontaneously ovulated (like that would ever happen), and then he would give me a prescription for 7 days of Provera. Come if for a baseline sometime on days 1-3, get my drugs, and off we go. The only issue about doing a cycle in December is that they close on Christmas Day (bastards, want a holiday off, the gall!), and he doesn't want that to be one of the days that we would need to do an IUI. Just be safe, since we aren't going to be able to go anywhere for Thanksgiving, I might just get the blood draw right before Thanksgiving.

The only negative that he brought up was that since I am one of the infinitesimally small group that doesn't respond predictably to Gonal-F, we may need to play with the dosage again. That was the part that really wasn't that pleasant last time. On the cycle before we conceived Son, I was extremely close to developing OHSS. The scary thing was that we had just adjusted the dosage a small amount after a less than optimum response the cycle before.

Soooo....I guess that we are back in the saddle again. He didn't seem concerned about my age (yet). He did make the disclaimer about the increased risk of multiples. I've accepted that a long time ago. For him, it seemed to be a bigger deal because of the two OB ultrasounds that he had done that day (both for IVF patients), the outcomes had been twins and triplets. Both had only two embryos transferred. He said the twins patient was OK, but the triplets one, well, they were struggling a bit. How strange to have one set of identical twins, with a fraternal thrown in. I know that it happens, but still. I think that I would be freaked out with anything more than twins. I know from Blogland that twins carry their own risks, but more than that seems to raise the stakes even higher. He also pointed out that when we conceived Son, we had four mature follicles. Basically, the subtext was that we dodged the multiple bullet that time, but not to think that we would necessarily do it again.

All in all, it went well. Son was an angel through the extended wait, and was even better once we got into the office. I'm still a little scared to contemplating all of this again, but every time I look into those big blue eyes, I know that he needs a sibling. One way or the other.

Into the fire

OK, my ampedness (OMG, is that a word??) about our appointment with Dr. RE has now turned to a whole lot of anxiety. Almost a panic.

To assuage my anguish, I need to get this down just to show myself how absolutely silly I'm being. Oh, and for some idiotic reason, overly optimistic.

I'm just, well, nervous. Nervous that Dr. RE is going to say that now that I have graduated into the "advanced maternal age" category (I turned 35 earlier this month), that we are going to have to deal with even more crap. That cheaper IUIs may be of limited use to us. That he thinks we need to go to IVF, and since I'm so damn huge, I'll need to find another clinic. (They won't do retrievals in the office for someone of my size due to possible anesthesia complications. They could do it over at the hospital across the street, but they have experienced lower success rates when they have to walk the eggs through the tunnel under the street to their lab.)

I'm feeling a little panicky in that all of the weight that I had lost initially after I had Son is now back (gratefully I don't have to say "plus more") and that was one thing that Dr. RE had harped on the last time that we went through this. Basically, I'm not ready physically to do this again. I swore last time that I wouldn't go into another pregnancy out of shape or at my present weight. Part of it was based on vanity-try finding plus size materinity clothes that don't look like giant hefty bags. Oh, and since I'm short, everything was waaaaay too long. The other part was that because I didn't have any endurance before I had Son, I really think that it impacted my ability to deliver him. Now granted, I get to cut myself some slack because he didn't turn the way that he was supposed to. If I remember correctly, he was facing to my right. My OB kept telling me that it would have been tough for anyone to deliver without some sort of help. However, I can't help but believe that since I didn't have any endurance, that I was so tired, I couldn't muster the strength to get him out myself. That's why we had to use the vacuum, and because it was so tough, he will always have a calcified lump on his skull. Yes, it was that traumatic for him. I've felt guilty since I first saw the huge black and blue mark on his otherwise adorable little noggin.

I guess maybe it comes down to the worry/fear of being judged again. That I can't function like a normal woman. I was "normal" only when I was pregnant. After that, I went back to my dysfunctional self. I had managed to put away a lot of those feelings after I had Son. After all, it didn't matter anymore. I had Son. To open up that wound again just goes to show that I didn't deal with everything before. Sigh.

I'm just hoping that Dr. RE will agree that we can try the IUIs again. Also, that we can take one shot in December to use up that FSA money that I haven't spent. If that one doesn't work, then we wait until around March to get my act together, get back on my Metformin (oh, the joys of working my way up on the dosage...yuk). Oh, and the fact that if it would work this spring, I wouldn't be hugely pregnant during the summer. Of course, I'm being optimistic, but I can't think of any other way to be. Otherwise, what's the point?

I've got so much cycling in my brain right now that I could sit and write for hours and still not have it all down. Unfortunately, I don't get that kind of time. My office is about ready to explode at the seams, and I don't know if my digging out is actually doing anything but digging me a deeper hole.

Let's just hit the highlights.

Home Alone: the Husband and Son Story: Ugh. Little stinker was an angel. No temper tantrums, went to bed with nary a howl. Husband is looking at me like I am nuts...this is really easy! On the one hand, I'm happy that it went well. At least then I can go ahead and do some of the travel that I need to over this winter for work. On the other, I really wanted Husband to get that this isn't always easy to do by yourself. Didn't happen. Of course, he bent Son's schedule all to hell, and he is only now beginning to get back into the regular routine. Waking up at 5:20 on Saturday morning was not fun!

Debauchery Unlimited: Had a good time at my meetings, but had WAAAAAAY too much fun on one night. Seems like I tried to make up for all of that lost time away from alcohol. Put it this way, my actions on one night kept haunting me until this weekend. Stupid. I'm actually pretty embarrassed and really hope that this doesn't have repercussions further down the line. Not that I did anything other than get completely schnockered, but it wasn't my finest hour. Thank God that I was with people that I trust completely.

Down the Infertility Path: Part II: I'm getting a little amped up about our appointment with Dr. RE in a week. The more I look at Son, the more I can't wait to see him with a sibling. I'm a little worried that we may have to change the appointment though. Husband has been royally screwed (to not put too fine of a point on it) by two employees in the past week, so I don't know if he will be able to make the appointment. I really want him to be there. I hate his job sometimes, but I know that he loves it. It just is going to be a tough haul for a while.

There's other, more profound topics brewing, but I don't know if I'll be able to get to them. For the time being, I've got an appointment with PowerPoint. Oh, the fun never ends!

What was I thinking?

I'm an idiot. Really. I once again wasted money on a pregnancy test. What was I thinking? That I could be freakin' normal like other people? Dumb, dumb, dumb. To get all lawyerly, ...in order to avoid all doubt...BFN. I'm not upset per se, since I got to enjoy some libations last night, but damnit, I really had hoped that I might get cut some slack here. I guess that the cosmic winds just aren't in my favor.

So, we keep the appointment with the RE and see where we go from here. I know that I'm ready to do this again (Ok, so who is ever really ready?), but I wish that we didn't have to be so clinical about it. We laugh when we talk about the fact that we barely saw each other the day that Son was conceived. Seriously, Husband left home at 7AM, and I didn't see him until 7PM that night, after the IUI. Just doesn't seem right or fair.

I guess what this has brought home is just how scared I am that we won't be able to do this again. Or worse, we will, and something will go wrong. I've been fortunate to never have had to deal with a loss, and I hope that I never do. It just makes me realize how fraught with challenges and hurdles this whole thing is. How it truly is a miracle each and every time a child is conceived, and then is delivered into the world.

All we can do at this point is see what the RE says, but I don't expect much of a departure from the last time we did this. Nothing has really changed from a status point of view, so I'm sure that it will be off to do new bloodwork (yuk), an appointment with the wand, and some provera to get a real period. Looks like we would have enough in the good 'ol FSA to do something yet this year. Husband is completely on board, which is nice, but things will be a bit more complicated than before. I don't know how we will juggle the appointments and daycare, etc. Daycare is in a completely opposite direction from the RE's office, and Husband's work is even further in the opposite direction. So, I most likely will get to battle traffic coming and going, and Son is going to be spending a lot of time in the carseat.

The things that we do. Ugh. Well, I've had another case of insomnia, and now I think that I'm finally ready to go back to bed. The alarm goes off in an hour. It's gonna be a long day.

Note to self: no caffeine after 7PM

Ugh, sitting here, can't sleep, have to be on a plane tomorrow morning. Why did the Coke seem like such a good idea again?

I think that besides the caffeine coursing through my veins, I'm a little nervous about leaving Son for this long. Very nervous. I was gone for a few hours this afternoon, and I couldn't believe how much I missed him. What am I going to do when it is a few days??

Husband is beginning to get exactly how much work Son can be. He (Son) is currently is full toddler mode-including temper tantrums-and Husband doesn't quite get it that this is NORMAL. They both are going to have a significant learning curve here. I know that they'll be fine. Really. But he's my baby. And this is Mommy's first time away from home. Husband has admitted that he is nervous about the entire thing. He hates it when I'm gone period, but this will be even worse.

Did I mention that we're also missing our anniversay for the second year in a row? Ugh. We probably should have tried to do something for it this weekend, but I have to sadly admit that neither one of us thought of it. How messed up is that? I'm going to order some flowers for Husband so he'll have something on Tuesday. I've already thought up the note to go with it (what else to do when you're laying there completely awake?) He already has given me my gift, an opal pendant, so I'm not expecting anything else. So this year we are 0-2 when it comes to me; he was gone on my birthday, and now I'm gone on our anniversary.

I guess you could say that our gift to each other is the appointment with our lovely RE on the 30th. Another thing to keep my mind occupied when it is supposed to be sleeping. I have a good feeling that we will need it, since all of the things that I described in my last post have pretty much dissapated. I'm still going to test tomorrow morning, but it will only be to erradicate that little spectre of hope that had been lurking in the corner of my mind.

Well, gonna go and play with the kittens.

I hate it when I start thinking

OK, I'm looking for input here....

Here's the deal:

• haven't had a non-pharmacologically induced period since I got pregnant with Son back in Nov. 04
• started weaning about six weeks ago. We're down to one feeding before bed, and I've been limiting him to five minutes per side. Cold turkey will result in grumpy toddler and mommy
• started spotting very lightly (not enough to even merit a (TMI) panty liner
• spotting went on for about 10 days, but never amounted to anything remotely resembling a flow
• I am still periodically feeling crampy and achey like a full blown nasty period is coming on, but nothing even resembling it has shown up. It's been so long I think that I may have forgotten what it's like.
• have been waking up for the past week urgently needing potty breaks at between 2-3 AM (now I'm the one that can't sleep through the night! )
• despite efforts to reduce supply, I was horribly engorged last night.
  

BOTTOM LINE: Could the unthinkable possibly have happened and we may have, ummm, done it all on our own? For the record (TMI again) I had EWCM about three weeks ago.
I really need a sanity check here. I'm afraid to test and be disappointed, I'm afraid to test and be surprised. I'm also going out of town for most of next week, and some serious ingestion of alcohol is on the agenda. I would hate to do something that I might regret.

In my heart of hearts, I strongly suspect that this is just wishful thinking. To be able to avoid the ultrasounds, the shots, the not seeing each other the day we conceive our child, the expen$e. I don't know what to think. I was just talking to Husband, and mentioned that I had to get up yet AGAIN last night, and he sounded hopeful when he asked if might be pregnant. God, I hate disappointing him....

WWFD? (What would Freud do?)

After months of virtually no dreams thanks to my friend Prozac (TM), I am now having them with abandon. Which is OK, since I know that they are the brain's way of organizing and categorizing. But I'll be damned if I can figure out what the hell they mean. I've gone from curios to almost ticked off. Over my own dreams! There, everyone can know that I'm seriously off the normal scale.

Just for kicks, here is a somewhat hazily-remembered list from the past week:

• The meaning of this one is obvious. I'm busy cleaning my house, and generally organizing (for some reason I am doing this alone, which is a strange occurrence in and of itself). The reason for the cleaning? I'm going to die. Not if I don't do the cleaning, but rather, I'm about to die, as in that very day, and I want the house to be OK. My dream extra family keeps telling me to stop, because I have to go to the hospital so I can go to sleep. I ask, "what if I don't wake up?" No one answers me. Flash to a futuristic hospital, actually looked like one out of an episode of "Firefly," and I'm being checked in by Husband so I can go to bed and fall asleep, AKA die. Everyone was treating it so nonchalantly; like this is what was supposed to happen. The whole thing shook me up so much that it's taken me a couple of days to get it out of my head. Probably shouldn't watch ER before going to bed.
• The next one I don't get. I'm with my ex, and for once, I can completely see his face, body, the whole thing. Usually when he pops up, I just know that it is him, but I never see his face. Anyway, I'm getting married, to him. My maid of honor is the one in the full veil and dress, but I know that I'm the one getting married. We are just about to start the vows, and a relative (another dream extra) stops the whole thing and tells me that he needs to talk to me. He then goes into a litany of all of the things that will happen as we would age, change in hair, face, etc. None of this is relevant to the Ex. I know exactly what he looks like, I know what his parents look like, and none of what dream extra guy is telling me is worth anything. I bolt from the whole thing and then shift to climbing up and over a grassy hill with my parent behind me, with me telling them, in a rather exasperated tone, that I'm going to marry him-and that's final. Then I wake up. Usually, when I have these dreams, I always end up asking where is Husband? Like I know that I'm supposed to be with him. This time it didn't happen. Have I finally processed all that happened with Ex and I can finally let it go?

Needless to say, after not dreaming for a very long time, I'm a little baffled by the whole thing. They have kept on coming, fast and furious, for the past week. I'm exhausted. The thing that sucks is that while I know that my mind needs to do this, I always end up feeling like I have been awake the entire time that I was dreaming. They always seem that real to me.

Nothing really weird has happened in the past couple of days, but I'm waiting. Didn't know that my issues were so screwed up.

Gulp.

Here's the short version:

• Freaked out about turning 35. For some reason this is a big deal to me. I think I've read too much about how fertility takes a definite downturn in normal fertiles at this point.
• Freaked out again about turning 35 and being an infertile.
• Called Dr. RE yesterday and have an appointment on the 30th.

Gulp.

Does this mean that I am really serious about the whole issue of a #2 entering our lives? Yes, I believe so. I highly doubt that we will do anything yet this year. I still need to get off of my happy pills, and I really want to wean Son completely. However, if we have enough in the good 'ol FSA to take a shot in December, I might just go for it.

Now I just have to tell Husband that I made the appointment. He has said pretty much all along that this would be my decision (can we say coward?). I know that he is trying to make me be able to feel OK about the possibility of not being able to create another miracle. He is trying to protect me. However, it still feels like I have all of the responsibility here. But then again, I am the one who gets to be poked, prodded, and violated with an ultrasound wand on a regular basis.

However, the more that I think about it, the more that I want to do this.

Gulp.