Friday, September 01, 2006

The spectre always looms

It's funny, even if you have beaten infertility (once), it still comes back to haunt you. To make you realize that yes, you are defective.

Case in point. When going to see Dr. N. on Tuesday, they take me back and do the weight (yuck-see previous post) and blood pressure, and then the lab lady asks me for the date of my last period. I tell her November 30, 2004. I don't count the my pill experiment/screw-up in March because, well, my body really wasn't doing anything on its own. She looks at me like I've lost it. I tell her that I have a baby that will be one the next week, and that I'm nursing.

She looks at me doubtfully and asks the question, bearing that tiny bit of hope/anticipation that always accompanies that question..."could you be pregnant?" I laughed. I couldn't help it. I simply told her that it took four years and several thousand dollars of drugs for me to even think about having Son. I suppose that I could have just said no, but what's the fun in that?

Needless to say, infertility will always be with me. No way around it. The thing is, what will the long-lasting impacts be? In ten years, will I be plagued with regret that because I don't work like a normal human female should, I wasn't able to have the three children that I think that I really want? The children that I think would make me feel as though my family is complete? Maybe. Or I could just try to placate myself with the thought that I got my one miracle, which is a lot more than some people get. I need to focus on him, that little light, that thing that can make all of the badness go away with one smile and giggle. Yep, I need to focus on that. Oh, and not laughing at medical professionals. Yes, I need to work on that too.

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