Friday, February 22, 2008

and the beat goes on

Thanks to those that commented and offered their wisdom on my quandary. It's still an ongoing issue, and doesn't appear to be anywhere near resolution. I found out earlier this week that an agreement of sorts has been reached. The "co-conspirators" have been asked, and agreed to, give GC two to three months to fix the situation. By "fix" I'm assuming make a decision about how this group will be managed and configured. I'm assuming (ignoring completely what that can do) that will also mean that my fate will also be decided at that time.

I haven't yet submitted my resume to the other two companies, and at this point, I don't know if I will. If anything, the situation here will be much more clear by late spring; at least I hope so. Husband's resounding lack of support for any change hasn't been helping either. That irritates me to no end; I've supported several job changes, and even a different job outside of his career path in order to make him happy. While maybe it was easier then because we didn't have human kids (we had the dogs, but hey, they don't go to college and require much beyond food and an occasional bone or collar), and even then, Husband was the secondary wage earner, but why can't I be entitled to a little consideration too? I know that he's scared that by changing we may lose the stability that we've had for so long, but at what point does my sanity figure in? He doesn't see me as a competitive person at all so I think that it's hard for him to understand that I still have that fire lurking below the surface. I also think that he doesn't think that I'm very good at what I do-even thought I've been good enough to help him with some agreements, he tends to silently endorse his mother's "she's not a real lawyer" mentality. I've told him that I've wanted to talk about this, and his comment that I hadn't really even included him in my decision to look elsewhere was right on. However, when he consciously avoids it, I think that he forfeits his vote. That's what its like to be married to a poli sci major. However, the thought that this will fly in a marriage probably is misguided, at best.

So, we managed to avoid the topic all weekend. I avoided all thought of it after getting off of the phone with my brother on Friday night (he would get a $1000 referral bonus if I would actually get hired at one of the jobs-fat chance, but let him have his dream). Then, this morning, it all hit me again. That jittery, way too much caffeine before the big final type of flutter inside. The just on the brink of an anxiety attack feeling. (Note to self: must call doc to see about upping that dose.) The main instigator called to let me know that the requisition to replace my manager had been approved. I didn't check to today to see if it had been posted yet internally. Part of me is scared to, because it just might give me the answer to my quandary, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. If it 's a posting for a director level position, then it would seem pretty clear that I'm not in contention for it at all. If it's just for another attorney, then I may still have a fighting chance. I'm pretty sure that I want to at least explore the option. I'm just hoping that the option hasn't already been pulled.

I guess what it all boils down to is that I'm feeling more than a bit out of control, and when it comes to work, I hate that. I also hate the fact that I'm getting talked about (or, more painfully, not talked about) when it comes to the future of this group. This kills me. Old manager K is out of the country this week at some far-flung "team building event" (read: boondoggle in a really beautiful place) so I'm not going to hear anything from him. NewManager isn't talking either. I just want an answer, dammit, that's all! The sooner the better, because it may take me a while to lick these wounds. I just have a bad feeling about all of this.'s going to be a looooong couple of months.


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