FUBAR

For those of you not familiar with the term, its buried in "Saving Private Ryan" about halfway through.

Lots of fun right now, and I really wish that I had the time to do a decent post to sort out everything. I'm more than a bit frazzled right now, and I'm sick of crying, sick of worrying, sick of just about everything.

Husband's estranged grandmother died today. The short version is that she gave up Husband's mom, G, to be rasied by G's grandmother. They reconnected about 10 years ago, albeit on a strained level. She found out that she had terminal liver cancer (and it was just about everywhere else) about month ago, went into hospice, and went home late last week. Husband's sister, who has fought tooth and nail for a relationship, was there last week, and the grandmother, M, said that she was ready to "go upstairs." She was 89, and at peace with what was coming. Not a bad way to end it, at least from my detached perspective.

However, this means a trip to Kansas City over the weekend. Loosely translated, seven to eight hours in the car. At 29 weeks and some change. With a toddler that loses it for the three hour trip to my parents. Oh, and on a holiday week. My parents have volunteered to come down and get Son and take him for the weekend. I love the gesture, but I worry about him being away from us for that long, and having someone else driving him almost 200 miles. I don't know what I would do if something happened. There are stupid people everywhere on highways during a summer holiday. I'm scared.

I'm also scared that I haven't felt BabyA as much as before. It really started yesterday with her being unusually quiet. She just flunked the one hour kick count-I needed 10, I got 5. I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back. Dr. Wonderful isn't in until 2:00, but my hunch is that I've got an ultrasound, if not a trip to L&D in my plans today. I'm worried about that too-I just can't let anyone else down today. I really can't. I'm probably being a paranoid pregnant, but with all of the stress lately, I just worry about how she's handling it. I'm not doing so hot either.

UPDATE: Even though I only counted five in the first hour, I had five in the next half hour, so Dr. Wonderful didn't see the need to see me, especially since I have an appointment on Tuesday. Just have to push the fluids, which will be a treat in the car. It's over 150 miles between rest stops in southern Iowa and Northern Missouri. Yea.

Still haven't decided what to do about this damn trip. My parents are pushing for me to not go, or at least let them have Son. I still can't shake that worry about him traveling that far without me. The biggest stumbling block was that I was taking Thursday and Friday off specifically to get BabyA's room cleaned out to the degree that mom and dad could come down the following weekend to paint. If I go, that plan is screwed, and well, I'm pissed.

I've actually been looking forward to making some headway, and I feel as though the carpet has been pulled out on me. It's a huge piece of stress-Husband is working weekends for at least the next month, so I'm on my own. My weekends are reserved for doing shitty jobs like laundry, dishes, trying to clean. If I don't do that then, no one will. I'm tired of the filth and I want it gone. That means leave me alone long enough to do something about it. Trying to get it all done during Son's naps isn't possible. I'm physically having a hard time right now, and it won't get better.

I just want to cry. I have been for three days, and any light that is at the end of the tunnel has disappeared. Husband doesn't get it-all he sees is his stress and that I'm not being supportive. Fuck that. I've been supportive; but at some point when do I get to be put into the equation? Why do I have to bottle up all of this? I don't like Son seeing me lose it, and my temper has been out of control. Son is paying for it, because, you know, Husband JUST ISN'T THERE. Even when he is, he wants to sleep, or check email, or get a billion phone calls from work, so he might as well be there. I HATE THIS. This is my last pregnancy, and I really wanted to enjoy it, since I didn't allow myself that luxury last time. Looks like I lose again. I just want it over and done with.