Not enough hours

Let's do the Cliff Notes version:

• tired, crabby, and not sleeping very well. It hurts to roll over (I've now reached harpoonable proportions, and my lower abdomen hurts like hell)
• I'm a full time waddler now-my trick of imagining that I'm not carrying around a watermelon on my front isn't working any more. I give in. Oh, and the cute lowish black slingbacks are now out of commission. Even my sandals with the stretchy elastic are getting too small-the summer swell is on!
• our flooring was put in today-it looks great! The crib is in and both the crib and changing table will be delivered a week from tomorrow.
• Husband is having a surprise inspection tomorrow, and for the first time with this brand, he was caught flat-footed. Insert grumpy, crabby, wired husband into the mix. Good times. There's nothing he can do to get ahead of it, so he just has to ride it out tomorrow. The sad thing is, he's more worried about his manager that decided to participate than the inspection itself. The inspector doesn't like him, and it only hurt Husband's score last time. Ugh.

I had mentioned that our friend's marriage was on its way to a massive implosion, and it happened over the weekend. They have said and done things that you just can't take back-things that should never be said unless you understand the gravity of them. No infidelity, nothing like that. Just two people who are similar in all of the wrong ways. The wife is already starting to try to manipulate their 2 1/2 year old-which just isn't right. It's really been bothering me-thinking about what the little girl caught in the cross fire will have to deal with. How Husband's friend will lose that day to day interaction with his daughter. All I could do was hug Son and try not to cry. I'm not that emotionally resilient these days (I've got a whole other post on that), and anything affecting a child really bothers me.

We had another biophysical profile (BPP) on Friday and all was well. BabyA was yawning, stretching, swallowing, and practicing breathing like a pro. The 4D pics were amazing. She looks a lot like Son, but there were still some significant differences. Just made me want to hold her all the more.

Next up: NST and OB appointment tomorrow. I've got to get my numbers into my endo tomorrow too-I'm spiking again in the AM, so it looks like the insulin is going to go up again. God, I miss real lemonade.....

The things that excite me

OK, so I have fully admitted in the past that I'm a full-blown dork. I know it. End of disclaimer.

Since I've been trying to busy my mind with things NOT related to labor, or otherwise known as holy-shit-am-I-going-to-have-to-do-this-again-and-what-if-I'm-still-lousy-at-it freak out, I've dived into getting BabyA's room finished and trying to wrap things up at work. So, see, at least I'm trying to be productive. I think I just have a really strange way of expressing nesting urges.

Anyway. My mom was kind enough to purchase all of the window treatments for BabyA's room. Since we have an older 1960's house, none of the window sizes are even remotely "standard," so instead of getting the gingham blinds that I had been jonesing for, we had to make adjustments. Adjustments that were way more expensive than I had planned. She still handed over her credit card willingly, even AFTER seeing the total. Oh, and I have to find someone to sew since (1) I couldn't get black out panels and drape all in one package, so I had to order them separately and (2) the drape and the panels are different sizes. For someone who barely passed home ec in high school, this is waaaaay too much.

I just checked the website and looked up the tracking number, and the nice UPS lady dropped the rest of the order off today. Hooray! Next up: flooring goes in on Monday!

My, My

Yet another week of running ragged...I just wish that the weekends were available to re-charge. That hasn't happened much lately and with now being what I consider the home stretch (32 weeks! Holy sh*t!), its getting harder and harder to get above the empty line. I'll keep trying though.

While I wish that I could take the time to write a real entry (or four) about some of the things that I have been mulling over lately, here are the highlights of accomplishments to mark last week:

*BabyA's room is now completely painted, the windows and trim finally stained, and Husband will have the wide shelf trim (to cover the ledge due to our house being a split level) ready to go tonight. We decided on and ordered flooring on Saturday, for way more than I had planned on, but it was the right choice, so I'm OK with it. They should have it installed in three weeks.

*With the best of intentions, Husband and I hitched up the trailer to the Jeep, and hauled it to my OB appointment with the plan of going up to large baby retailer to buy the crib and changing table afterwards. From previous experience, we knew that we would need the trailer or have to deal with pulling out the car seat, etc. We were prepared, darn it! OB appointment ran long (as usual, when will I learn?), and once we got there, we looked at what we had picked, and decided that we didn't like it. We picked out a different set that we actually liked better, but wasn't in stock. It will be in either late this week or the next. The one big bonus-it was almost $200 less for the set. Hooray!

*According to our ultrasound on Friday, BabyA is still a girl (whew, now I can start ripping off tags), and is 4lbs, 7 oz. The ultrasound tech said that the weight may have been a bit high, since BabyA's legs are in the 80th percentile, but the rest is in the 60th. It feels strange to have what I equate with a small baby in there, especially since I feel like I'm reaching maximum capacity. It may just be that since we've been monitoring things so strictly with the GD so early, she's just the size she is supposed to be. But then again, I start to worry that maybe I haven't been eating enough, and that is why she is so small in comparison with Son. But then, the OB that saw this time, Dr. SkinnyGirl, was really happy that I hadn't gained any weight, and saw that as an example that we are managing things well. I guess that everyone has an opinion....I still feel a bit gypped by the whole thing, since I've been having more and more cravings lately, and I can't indulge in any of them. I'm mainly motivated by the fact that if I give in, I'll feel horrible when my numbers spike, but there are times when a big piece of chocolate cake just can't be replaced by a South Beach snack bar!

*Faxed in my weekly numbers to the endocrinologist, and no increase in meds this week! Hoooray! My A1c number came back a little higher than last time, but still in the normal range, so all is well there. OK, so it has all been worth it, but I still can't get some of those cravings out of my head...

*My coverage schedule for my leave at work is taken care of, and the big bulk of my daily tasks assigned. Now my job is to get it all under control before I leave so (1) I don't have a guilt and (2) no one will be able to see what an idiot I am. Do you have any idea how tough it is to try to do that when you're not even going to be here? It's exhausting.

Well, off to work to try to get some more done. My afternoon is shot for tomorrow, so off we go!

I should be working...really, I should. However, in my defense, I was pretty darn productive this morning, so there. AND I was being such a good client counselor that I missed lunch until almost 3:30. An almost eight month pregnant diabetic who missed lunch until it was almost time for dinner. I gotta see about some sort of maternal medal...wait, make that employee. The maternal side was reminded by BabyA that I really needed to get my act together and eat something since I had keytones this morning....

Things are cruising along at the Chronicle house. My parents came down last weekend and put in a serious amount of work to help us get the office cleaned out and ready. It went from half empty with the computer still set up to empty, carpet ripped up and in a dumpster (one must love neighbors that are in construction!), paint and primer purchased, and walls primed. They are coming back down again this weekend to paint. They know that Husband is NOT a detail type. Put it this way-cutting in and making things crisp? Nah, don't need to do it. His last paint job was over unsanded joint compound. It looks horrible. Thankfully, it's just his bathroom and no one other than the occasional cat who sneaks in for a nap in his underwear basket sees it.

My mom has also volunteered to pay for the window coverings, which does help. I've bought pretty much everything from P*ttery Barn Kids, and there are matching black out roman shades that I am absolutely coveting. While I now have sheets and waterproof mattress pads for the crib, still haven't gotten around to buying said crib or a mattress. We were given Son's mattress, so I didn't have to buy that last time either.. I didn't want to add even more stuff to an already cluttered house, so I haven't gone up and bought the thing yet. We can live without the changing table/dresser for a while if needed, but I have to get moving on a place for her to sleep. We'll never be a co-sleeping family, and while Son fought the crib for a while, it's now his refuge.

Over the past week we've made some major progress on getting everything that we took out of the office and deposited in our downstairs family room sorted out and put away (basically being motivated by the fear of disapproval from my parents), so there may actually be room to start putting everything together. I'm going to turn our closet under the stairs into our office storage-paper, filing cabinets, etc., so a lot of what is out right now will go there, but that entails yet another round of cleaning and sorting. It will get better after we move the loveseat into BabyA's room (so I'll have somewhere to nurse-and so unlike the furniture that we have upstairs, it actually fits me). However, we need to pick out, order, and have the flooring installed first. Which we haven't done yet. And Husband has had to work a couple of long nights this week, on top of the whole taking care of the dog thing, so we really haven't had a chance to get to where we need to go. If there is a patron saint for putting off labor, please say a prayer for me to him/her. I think I'm going to need it.

In other news, I get my first ultrasound since 20 weeks tomorrow, and I'm just a little bit excited. The last time that we saw her, she was just plain difficult and in a lousy position. I want to get the sex verified-we didn't get the money shot last time, and I'm now at the point of having so many receipts due to refusing to remove tags off of clothing, etc. that my wallet may explode. She also was still at that point where her proportions were still off and looked a bit on this side of alienesque. Who knows, maybe I'm out of that denial that we're actually going to be bringing home a baby soon. Took me long enough.

My poor baby, Pt. II

The vet tech who assisted with Yellow Dog called this afternoon, and the news was mixed. They do a tooth extraction, since the crack reached all the way to the pulp, and developing an abscess was a good possibility. It was just an incisor, not a molar, but she's still going to be on soft food for a couple of weeks, and we have to go back to get it checked to make sure that it is healing OK.

No bone growth actually, but an excess amount of gum tissue. Once they got rid of that (by laser, and boy, does that make the healing faster!), she had a lot of tartar and gunk that we hadn't been able to see. She's always had such good teeth that we've been told not to worry about cleaning them, since she was doing just fine on her own. The vet, Dr. GreatHair, said that it all looked pretty good, but that we'll have to keep an eye on her for anything else popping up.

I guess that she was still pretty dopey yet a couple of hours after the surgery, so I asked that when I pick her up that someone be there to lift her into the Jeep, since I can't do it right now, and Husband won't be there to help. I hate to see her like that, but if it helps keep her under control to let her heal for the next couple of days, we can deal with it. We pretty much need to treat her like a human that has been given the good drugs; no wandering unsupervised, and no major obstacles. My poor girl.

Yes, I'm a big softie-she'll get the good canned stuff tonight and a new bed...its the least that we can do for her.

My poor baby

Yellow dog had mouth surgery today. Our resident spaz has been bleeding here and there when we would give her rawhide or a bone. At her yearly checkup a couple of months ago, the vet noticed that she had a bony growth going on in front of one of her back molars (of course on the side where she prefers to gnaw) and suggested that we get rid of it to head off any problems. What he told us was that anything malignant in the mouth tends to never have a good end result. She's a pain sometimes, but she's still OUR pain, so I finally got her in today. To the tune of $400-$500. Our purebred has been the most expensive animal that we own.

The vet called, and while doing the dental, also found that she has a cracked tooth, so we opted to have that removed. Poor monster probably has had pain for a while, but, as usual, didn't show it. I don't feed her in the morning, but I did a couple of days ago and I didn't notice anything different-just her being her lab self and inhaling her bowl. Normal. Who knows how she managed it-either going at a bone or when she and Black Dog were playing. They cracked heads a couple of months ago (both chasing tennis ball, not watching, bam. Two 70lb dogs at full tilt. It hurt to watch it) so that may have done it.

I just hate it when any animal of mine has to go under anethesia-hate it. They do all of the screening bloodwork to make sure that there aren't any issues, but she isn't getting any younger. She'll be seven this fall. I just want her home and doped up so nothing hurts. I have a feeling that someone may end up with us tonight instead of down in the kennel. She's a lousy pill taker, but if there is some soft food involved, it may not be too tough*.

*I've honestly seen this dog be given a pill (or two) like her doggy benedryl, spit it out, and move her paw to cover it up, all the while getting the praise and treat for taking said pill(s). Rotten creature, but she's still our girl.

Pregnancy Stuff

Well, I appear to have finally reached the point (31 weeks!!) where I will be spending more time with my OB and associated obstetrics people than I will at work. In some circles, this wouldn't be considered a bad thing-but for someone with a small mountain of paper to climb before she signs off, not so great.

I saw my endocrinologist today, and all is well. She's pretty happy with where everything seems to have settled out, and I haven't had to increase my insulin for a couple of weeks. However, the mornings have begun to creep up again (as they should, my placenta-fueled insulin resistance increases until around 36 weeks) so I'm up to 15 units at night. No big deal. She was more worried about my keytones, since while I can put together strings of five or so days of nothing, I tend to drop meals here and there, thus resulting in non-negative results. That, in turn, tends to tweak my mornings upwards. It's all such a delicate balancing act sometimes. I vowed to behave and enforce my need to eat.

It still feels strange to have to tell Husband, or whoever else that I'm with (since if I'm left to my own devices, I do just fine) that I have to eat. I've been big all of my life, and have developed an incredibly strong aversion to ever mentioning anything about me and food. Basically, I have always had it in my head that people judge me and wonder why I would need to eat, "I mean, look at her!" Even when pregnant, this phobia/anxiety can prevail. I need to get over it, I know, but its easier to tell someone to slay the dragon, as opposed to actually having to do it. My only saving grace is that we don't have much on our agenda as far as traveling or major plans to muck up the works. Just a baptism and a birthday for my respective nieces, and then we're done. Feeling like I do anyway, I don't know if I could handle much more anyway.

I also had my regular OB appointment last Monday, and, as usual, it was pretty uneventful. Everything was where it was supposed to be, I was told after a review of my sugars that I really needed to relax a bit more (which felt about as helpful as being told while going through infertility to "just relax"), and that we would be starting monitoring for the next ten weeks. Ugh.

So, when we left, the understanding was that the protocol for monitoring had changed; ultrasound first, and if things were iffy or undetermined by ultrasound, then the NST (monitors for contractions and fetal heart rate). I was happy about this little change since my pregnancy with Son; no more two plus hour appointments, where I would usually spend somewhere in the neighborhood of half and hour just waiting for the monitoring equipment. However, between then and when I called the scheduler back to finish scheduling the rest of the appointments, Dr. Wonderful changed his mind. Instead of one long appointment, I get to have two a week! The joy of it all. While the ultrasounds are nice, and I haven't seen BabyA in almost two and a half months, I'm not overjoyed about the whole twice a week thing. The scheduler wasn't sure why he made the change, so she was going to look into it and we would clarify when I go in this Friday.

At this point, all I can say is that I'm happy that we have decent insurance.

Interesting things while driving

For some reason, I've been keeping mental tabs on the weird things that I have seen out and about on the roads over the past couple of months. I have no idea why I've been cataloging them-just random things that seem to be sticking.

• the local police office who rolled through the stop sign while driving one-handed on his cell phone
• the late 70s/early 80s Winnebago towing a Prius...somehow, I have feeling that they are still in the hole on that one
• non-injury accident on local busy street: mid-size sedan rear ended by minivan rear ended by large SUV. Guess who got the worst of it? Big SUV was spilling so much fluid that I thought that maybe they had hit a fire hydrant trying to avoid the first two. The other two (albeit with rear bumpers that no longer resembled OEM parts) probably were able to drive away. The SUV was most likely headed to parts land.
• a questionable mid-70s collector type car in desperate need of body work with rims that probably tripled the value of the car. Too bad that the quarter panels above them were about to fall off.
• this is probably my favorite (next to the Winnebago): a Suburban that was lowered to barely clear the pavement. We live in MINNESOTA. It SNOWS here. Talk about an expensive and idiotic snowplow. And to think that people gave me grief about having low profile tires on my last "fun" car....

There are other things that have grabbed my attention, but they bother me too much to get into detail-the carseatless baby, etc. But since I was aiming for more a "news of the weird" vibe, here's what you get. Now maybe I can get my act together and actually get some work done today. Nah....

the nutshell edition

I don't have a lot of time today to go over the fun that was this past week/weekend, but here are the highlights:

• managed to have a knock-down, drag out of a fight with Husband that lasted pretty much all of the day and night on Tuesday, including an hours worth of fun on our cell phones while I sat and cried in my office. Nice. While I don't think that we accomplished much other than blowing off steam, I sort of saw a glimmer of enlightenment in him. I'm just waiting for when the glimmer disappears.
• called my Mom and Dad on Wednesday to meet us halfway so they could take Son for the weekend. There was no way that I was getting out of going to KC, so this was the best solution. He had fun, so I guess that everyone won.
• drove to Des Moines on Thursday night, and KC and back to Des Moines on Friday after the funeral. Very strange service, if it even qualified. No one wore black, the urn (she was cremated) wasn't anywhere, and the whole thing felt like a little get together with little to no reverence. I didn't expect big crying jags or anything, but the only people that seemed to understand the purpose and depth of the service were the ministers. Afterward, we were asked if we wanted to go through her apartment and take anything. What?!?! My MIL and Husband's oldest sister when through and loaded up their car to go home and sort out things-basically grabbed anything that wasn't nailed down just for the sake of getting "stuff." My other SIL requested a rather nice dining room table-which didn't seem as greedy-they are buying a new house and are still using a table originally purchased by Husband's parents when they got married, at a farm sale no less. It seemed far more appropriate. If Grandma had been around, I'm sure that if SIL had asked, she would have been happy to see her have it. I think that the reason that the whole thing threw me was that the last funeral that I was at was my grandmother's. Full mass, packed church, lots of family (my Grandma was one of nine kids), and a real sense of loss. No mention was made of disposing of anything (my grandfather is still alive, but they have a will and everything has been decided for years). The focus was on the person. Maybe the difference seems so sharp because I was very vested in the person-I don't know.
• arrived back in Des Moines to walk into a thermonuclear fight between the couple that we were staying with. Their marriage is on the verge of imploding, and its harder to watch when there is a very bright and innocent 2 1/2 year old also involved who got caught in the crossfire. She was so scared to hear them screaming at each other-I wanted to just grab her and take her away from it, to help her feel safe. I was in no position to do that, but it took everything that I had to not smack them both and ask them to look at their daughter, who was on the verge of tears-before they came home she had been laughing and playing. It made the fight that Husband and I had on Tuesday almost look productive. They have been married less than four years. Husband tried to mediate and let the husband cool down, while the wife vented to her parents, who had just returned their daughter after taking care of her that night while they went to a small group therapy session. I have my own opinions, but Husband has known the husband for almost 20 years-I really couldn't add much. I played the coward and hightailed it up to our room with my night snack and insulin at hand. Thank God they have cable upstairs.
• The rest of the weekend was a little tense, but Husband and I stayed, since we both needed the break. The amazing thing is that I must have been more tightly wound than I thought-my morning sugars are now consistently down in the 80s, as opposed to the upper 90s. This is in direct contradiction to what should be happening at this stage, since my resistance should still be going up for another six weeks or so. Just goes to show how much stress can affect things. I'll be curious to hear what my endo's office has to say about it, since I faxed in a week's worth of numbers this morning.

There is probably more, but overall, the whole thing was probably more of a blessing than a curse-we really needed the away time, and Son had a ball with my parents. He did come home with a major eczema flare-up-either from something he ate or just being outside all of the time-but he got home in one piece, and is certainly in a better place for it. The presription will help with the rest. I'm not as apt to want to wring anyone's neck this week (but hey, it is young), and Husband isn't being the total and complete jerk that he was last week. Not too bad.

FUBAR

For those of you not familiar with the term, its buried in "Saving Private Ryan" about halfway through.

Lots of fun right now, and I really wish that I had the time to do a decent post to sort out everything. I'm more than a bit frazzled right now, and I'm sick of crying, sick of worrying, sick of just about everything.

Husband's estranged grandmother died today. The short version is that she gave up Husband's mom, G, to be rasied by G's grandmother. They reconnected about 10 years ago, albeit on a strained level. She found out that she had terminal liver cancer (and it was just about everywhere else) about month ago, went into hospice, and went home late last week. Husband's sister, who has fought tooth and nail for a relationship, was there last week, and the grandmother, M, said that she was ready to "go upstairs." She was 89, and at peace with what was coming. Not a bad way to end it, at least from my detached perspective.

However, this means a trip to Kansas City over the weekend. Loosely translated, seven to eight hours in the car. At 29 weeks and some change. With a toddler that loses it for the three hour trip to my parents. Oh, and on a holiday week. My parents have volunteered to come down and get Son and take him for the weekend. I love the gesture, but I worry about him being away from us for that long, and having someone else driving him almost 200 miles. I don't know what I would do if something happened. There are stupid people everywhere on highways during a summer holiday. I'm scared.

I'm also scared that I haven't felt BabyA as much as before. It really started yesterday with her being unusually quiet. She just flunked the one hour kick count-I needed 10, I got 5. I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back. Dr. Wonderful isn't in until 2:00, but my hunch is that I've got an ultrasound, if not a trip to L&D in my plans today. I'm worried about that too-I just can't let anyone else down today. I really can't. I'm probably being a paranoid pregnant, but with all of the stress lately, I just worry about how she's handling it. I'm not doing so hot either.

UPDATE: Even though I only counted five in the first hour, I had five in the next half hour, so Dr. Wonderful didn't see the need to see me, especially since I have an appointment on Tuesday. Just have to push the fluids, which will be a treat in the car. It's over 150 miles between rest stops in southern Iowa and Northern Missouri. Yea.

Still haven't decided what to do about this damn trip. My parents are pushing for me to not go, or at least let them have Son. I still can't shake that worry about him traveling that far without me. The biggest stumbling block was that I was taking Thursday and Friday off specifically to get BabyA's room cleaned out to the degree that mom and dad could come down the following weekend to paint. If I go, that plan is screwed, and well, I'm pissed.

I've actually been looking forward to making some headway, and I feel as though the carpet has been pulled out on me. It's a huge piece of stress-Husband is working weekends for at least the next month, so I'm on my own. My weekends are reserved for doing shitty jobs like laundry, dishes, trying to clean. If I don't do that then, no one will. I'm tired of the filth and I want it gone. That means leave me alone long enough to do something about it. Trying to get it all done during Son's naps isn't possible. I'm physically having a hard time right now, and it won't get better.

I just want to cry. I have been for three days, and any light that is at the end of the tunnel has disappeared. Husband doesn't get it-all he sees is his stress and that I'm not being supportive. Fuck that. I've been supportive; but at some point when do I get to be put into the equation? Why do I have to bottle up all of this? I don't like Son seeing me lose it, and my temper has been out of control. Son is paying for it, because, you know, Husband JUST ISN'T THERE. Even when he is, he wants to sleep, or check email, or get a billion phone calls from work, so he might as well be there. I HATE THIS. This is my last pregnancy, and I really wanted to enjoy it, since I didn't allow myself that luxury last time. Looks like I lose again. I just want it over and done with.