Ambivalent

Lots of things going on, not a whole lot of time.

First things first, did our trigger tonight. It actually didn't hurt as much as I had remembered. Either I overstated things before, or, as Husband put it, he's just "that good." We'll see how I feel when I try to get out of bed tomorrow morning. I have my first IUI mid-morning tomorrow, and then the second about 24 hours later. I have two decent follicles, both on the right side (interesting), one was a 23 this morning, and the other a 20. I don't think that on our previous attempts we ever triggered with two that were this big. I certainly can feel them. I've been having some not-so-subtle twinges for the past couple of days. There are about 4-5 of them that are in the low teens, but I don't think that they will have enough steam to do anything to be worried about.

I'm nervous, and trying not to think about it too much. Of course, I would like for it to work, but I'm scared about it actually working. Does that make sense? It's just that I feel as though I stuggle so much some days just to keep myself about water. What would I do with two? I don't get naps now, and I remember how exhausted I was the whole first trimester with Son. The one thing that seems to be weighing on my mind the most is that Husband is really excited about this. Since he is usually the restrained one, I'm not used to him jumping on the bandwagon with this much enthusiasm. Yes, I do remember that I was complaining that he was being non-committal before. Just goes to show that you need to be careful of what you wish for.

The other part is that our Christmas celebration got pushed up a day thanks to my SIL. Of course, no one broached the subject with us, you know, the people who are hosting it, until, oh, yesterday. I'm just down about the whole thing. Despite being an introvert, and not being a particularily good hostess, I really DO enjoy the preparation part. I like to bake cookies, decorate. It might not qualify for any magazine spread, but it's the process that I like. Pushing everything up a day really screws that up. The house isn't going to be what I want, I won't get to cook anything because Husband takes over and makes the meal (probably a good thing, since the last time I tried to make poultry of any sort, I put the chicken upside down in the roaster.) I just don't feel like I contribute much. The house isn't going to be where I want it to be, and crap will be shoved into the bedroom, the china isn't going to get pre-washed, or the silverware polished. I'll be lucky if we actually get everything on the table. My goal at this point is to erradicate all of the cat hair on the floors, and chip the squashed peas off of the floor. Oh well.

At this point, I just want to get through all of it, and I'm really looking forward to Son's face when he gets into his presents. He's really into everything truck, or at least with wheels. We indulged him a bit, but it's fun. He's actually seen most of it already-we have to 'fess up to a couple of bait-and-switches in TRU, but at least we know that things won't end up in a corner. I also got him his first trike. I can't wait for him to be on it this summer; pregnant or not.

I'm home all this coming week, so my hope is that I can actually get some things done around here. I've had a new storage system for my linen closet out in the garage since, umm, this summer. I need to reclaim our office. I also want to make a point to just stop, and spend time with Son. He's doing so many things right now, and while he is going through that phase of wanting "Da-Da" all the time, I don't want to miss this stuff. It's so easy to just focus on what I think needs to be done. Time to recharge and hug my little boy. And survive tomorrow.

The case of the disappearing follicles...

Had another monitoring appointment today. Got a speeding ticket on the way. OK, so the "short cut" wasn't that great of an idea. The cop was grumpy too. I didn't expect Mr. Sunshine, but sheesh....My first ticket in 15 years. However, it should be noted that mine was still $80 less than Husband's. So there.

So, to add insult to injury, one of my follicles has up and disappeared. Just gone. This has happened before, and an overly full bladder probably didn't help. Hopefully this one will re-appear, at a decent size this time. So, I am left with two, both at 11mm, but right ovary has woke up! Welcome to the party! Considering that the only time my right one got involved, we got pregnant with Son, this might actually be a good thing.

I've got a feeling that I'm going to get the call later on this afternoon to ratchet up the dose. Remarkably enough, I'm not upset. Realize that the last time that this happened I sobbed, almost uncontrollably, the entire 30 minute drive back to work. Now, I will admit that if things aren't a bit rosier after my appointment on Thursday, I may have to hit the chocolate. I'm going to be baking on Thursday, and, well, it could get ugly.

Oh, and to top it all off, the met is making me sick in the morning. God, I hate that stuff.

Chugging along

I had my first monitoring appointment today. I scheduled it for 7:15, and only managed to be 10 minutes late! Hooray. If I can swing it, I'll try to do this time more often. I didn't hit a whole lot of traffic (considering that I was in the midst of the downtown commuters), and it was virtually stress free!

As for the appointment itself, nothing on the right (as usual, lazy ovary!), and two at 10mm on the left. Lining sounds like it was OK. Pending my E2 levels coming back, I'm to keep going at 150iu until Monday, when we check things again. I'm always a slow responder, and my right side usually will do something, but never anything dominant. I consider this a test cycle anyway.

At least that's what I keep trying to tell myself. Husband has been uncharacteristically up about this whole thing, which is a little out of character for him. Usually its him trying to hold me down so I don't crash and burn when it all heads south. He made some comment this morning about how cool it would be if we were successful this cycle, with one, but he thinks two would be doable. (I'm not going there. Nope. Not unless it re-opens the whole house negotiation). The kicker was that he said that we would almost be like "normal" couples. We both then laughed. Like we are ever going to be "normal." I have to say that it is a nice change to be able to be guardedly optimistic with him.

Its a test cycle. Its a test cycle. Its a test cycle. Its a test cycle. Its a test cycle.

Keep chanting.....

Random scattering

My mind is wandering all over the place today. I keep hearing Yoda giving the lecture to Luke about not being focused...you know the one. That's where I am today. I've overly tired due to being sucked into CMT's 100 top love song show last night (yes, country is a guilty pleasure of mine...) and then waking up to Husband hacking, snorting, blowing, and moaning for a good couple of hours. It just makes it hard to focus. Maybe if I get it all out, then maybe I can get my head back where it needs to be.

• I think my secretary is looking for another job, and seriously this time. I noticed that she has removed all of the personal items from her cube (pictures, etc.). Due to some organizational weirdness, she doesn't report to me, but she does all of my support. With my case load, it isn't an insubstantial task. The work load has increased considerably, and there have been issues. Her manager has become involved, and we all know where this ends up. Hiring a replacement, if it comes to that, will probably take a while. Our HR doesn't get that anyone that does patent work is a specialist, and that in our market, there is a pretty high demand for anyone with experience. They won't pay what they need to, so we always end up with underqualified, inexperienced people. Not their fault, and some have worked out. I just have too much to do to have to try to wait for a new admin to get up to speed. I have a bad feeling that the new year will not be fun.
• I figured out what my problem was in giving myself my shot-bad lighting. I kid you not. I was thinking about how I did it before, and I remembered that I eventually stopped doing it in the bathroom because I just wasn't comfortable there. I went into our living room, got comfortable in my new chair, and things went without a hitch. Ha! First monitoring ultrasound and bloodwork is this Friday morning. Being, I don't know, stupid, I went into a due date calendar to see where I would end up if this were to work. The due date would be 10 days after Son's birthday. What am I thinking????
• Christmas is looming, and once again, I don't think that I will have time to do any of the things that I want to. I actually like to shop, but lugging Son around in the stroller, combating busy parking lots and stores, doesn't sound like what I need right now. I've ordered pretty much everything online this year. I got this nifty decorating kit from Pampered Chef, and I really wanted to try it out, but it looks like any baking is going to end up on the back burner. One of the few kitchen related tasks that Husband doesn't like to do.
• Husband has already launched into his "sick all winter" routine. First stop: sinus infection. He is going to have his first weekend off in seven weeks, and I think he will spend it in bed. This sucks. I know that he has been working hard (it helped when he figured out that he could take some days off during the week). However, I haven't had a day off to myself in what feels like forever. I was actually looking forward to us doing something together as a family. Looks like the only thing that will get shared is a box of Kleenex. Oh, and Son has a cold too. It gets depressing sometimes when they are both so high needs that no one ever can take care of me, or at a minimum, me take care of me. Like take a weekend nap. I struggle with how selfish that sounds, but I can't help but feel it. It goes back to this whole competition thing; his is always worse than mine, I lose.
• I'm stuck here tonight for our bimonthly staff call that goes until six. I didn't used to mind too much when I could sit in my office with my headset on and multitask. Now that our VP is here, we all get to congregate in a conference room together. And I have to stop at the mall and pet store on my way home, which means that I'll get to see Son for a whole 30 minutes before he goes to bed tonight. I've been missing him a lot during the day lately.

In general, just not a good day. I need a nap.

What a wimp!

Last night was the first night of Gonal-f. Watched the complimentary CD showing how gosh darn easy it was to use the pen. Really, it can't be that hard, right? I do have to say, it is a pretty big contraption, and when you have hands that require child-sized gloves (I'm not kidding-big fat fingers, but overall pretty dinky), try to poke and press without pushing the whole thing through your skin. Just a wee bit intimidating.

I assume my usual routine. Alcohol wipes? Check. Injection site picked? Check. Both the bedroom and bathroom doors closed so Husband can't see me? Check. (Don't ask, I just don't do this sort of thing well with an audience.) Proceed to sit in said bathroom for five minutes trying to psych myself up to just stick the damn thing in already!!!! Wimp out, get chastised by Husband for (1) not doing it myself and then (2) breathing too hard because I have managed to work myself up so much that he is now dealing with my stomach moving too much to put it in. He finally does it, I never even felt it go in due to the extremely fine gauge, and I slink back to the bathroom to make my contribution to the family sharps container.

Good God, why did I freeze up like that? I don't know if it was a case of the whole reality of this hitting, as in "oh my God, am I really doing this again? Are we ready for this? Am I ready flor this? Holy crap!...." You get the picture. I aspire to do much better tonight, especially now that I know the needle really is pretty tame. Typical me, work myself up sooo much that my fear far surpasses anything related to the reality of the situation. I really hate that I do that. However, spiraling out of control seems to be a strong suite of mine. Great.

The other thing that this whole thing demonstrated to me is that I can finally put my finger on why I get so irritated with Husband when it comes to stuff like this. First, I should probably preface this with the fact that Husband always, and I mean always has had things worse; pain, any situation, you name it. I don't know why it has to be a competition, but if he's trying to make me feel better, well, it ain't cutting it. I've pointed this out, only to see one great big spectacle of denial. He simply does not know how to just shut up and try to be empathetic. It would have been so great if he had just said that he knew I was a little freaked, and that he would count with me and we'd do it together. Not make me feel worthless and weak because I couldn't do it. I know that the problem is with me, but it doesn't help when he "can't understand" why I was having problems. Like I am the most irrational, stupid, and weak person. Just for the record, it took him 15 minutes to give himself the shot that he takes for his psoriasis the first time. Ah, the joys of selective memory.

This whole incident also brought back why my labor and delivery will not be one of the bright spots either. I'm not talking about the physical aspects, because there is NO way that is a bright spot. What I'm talking about is when I was trying to push my 9lb 2 oz, almost 23 inch long baby who hadn't rotated the way he was supposed to out, with an epidural that had taken away ALL sensation in my legs and perineal area (and the ability to even move anything below my waist) and the urge to push. Did he once say that I was doing OK? No. Did he sympathize when I literally dry-heaved on every push? No. What did he do? He criticized me for not "listening" and not doing what I was told. What? The freaked out nurse wasn't telling me when to push, and in the state that I was in, I couldn't tell from the monitor when it WAS the right time. All I knew was that (1) the epidural had robbed me of the urge, but had stopped working on the contractions and (2) I have never felt so alone in a room full of people before, especially feeling as vulnerable as I did. He thinks that yelling at me will get me to "snap out of it." All it does is make me retreat even further. It's that whole honey and vinegar thing. He does it at work, but apparently, that doesn't apply to me. If I would try to discuss it now, it would all be attributed to hormones. Is this just a chromosomal thing, or is he really that out of it?

I have to admit, this really scares me. What if the same thing happens again? Why can't he just stroke my hair or hold my hand and help me find the courage? Why? Why is that so tough? I think that he has forgotten how tough this whole thing can be; from conception to birth. I know that I haven't.

I guess that turned into a rant, but if anything, I need to remember this so if we actually are successful, I can make it abundantly clear what I need and expect. Either that or he pays for a duola. He's a good guy, he really is, and he can prop me up some days. I just wish it were more on my terms as opposed to exclusively on his. Accept me for my frailties. Starting down this road again has brought them all back, and I really don't want to feel broken again.

Like old shoes

I went into the RE today for the dreaded CD3 ultrasound. Yep, still hate the wand. Yuck. At least there wasn't a blood draw involved this time around. Even after having to go through everything last time, my aversion to needles carries on.

The ultrasound tech actually recognized me, and not much has really changed at the office. Well, for some reason the andrology patients go through there too (weird to see guys getting called back) now, but otherwise, not much of a change. I was told that I was the first to get to use the new ultrasound machines that were delivered today. Wahoo! Nice to see some sort of connection to the capital that I gave them. Otherwise, it was almost like it hadn't been two years since I had been there. Two years since I would sit in the parking lot and cry. How little I knew. While I truly want another child, I don't seem to have the same sort of desperation this time around. I can say that now, prior to going through the shots, the progesterone, getting AF right before I am supposed to go and get my beta. If that happens, it happens. I still get to come home to Son tonight, which is a lot better than some of the other women in the waiting room.

Mulling aside, nothing too spectacular on the ultrasound. Even though I have PCO, I don't struggle with having large cysts to manage. I guess that I just have all of the pieces of the syndrome itself which is enough to muck up the works. Regardless, it was good to hear that all was quiet, since I've been having some strange twinges where I think my ovaries are. (Don't laugh, I ovulate so infrequently that I don't know/remember how it feels.)

I was sent off with my laundry list of drugs, an instructional DVD regarding the Gonal-f pen (they didn't have those the last time around, although the needle looks a bit more intimidating than the old ones), and an appointment for Friday morning at 7:15. I have to take it that early in order to make it into work at a decent hour. It's a 30 minute drive on a good day, barring any accidents or snow. Leaving at 6:45 is going to be a stretch, but we've got to do it this way. Things are so much more complicated now that we have Son and I have a boss that is just across the hall from me. My admin is less than happy with me right now, so my chances of her covering for me are pretty slim. Let's just hope that it doesn't take quite as long this time....yea, yea, I know, but let me live in my fantasy for a while, OK??

It took 45 minutes to get my all of my prescriptions filled. I hate having to go to the pharmacy by my clinic, but they are the only pharmacy that can fill everything I need without a couple of days notice. The pharmacy is located between a large hospital and a large children's clinic, so they just tend to have everything. Out in suburbia, I usually get either (1) blank stares when they read Gonal-F ore (2) We don't carry it. Have you tried _____? Yep, sure have. Ugh. I'm going to have to get on the phone to see what my chances are to get things filled closer to home. I'm still not holding my breath.

So, I have a plastic bag full of the fun out in the trunk of the car. Let the games begin.

Why did I think this would work?

As I have mentioned ad nauseum, I want a new house. Something with a master suite, a fenced in yard, a yard the size that we can now handle, and an actual laundry room. Oh, and at least three bedrooms on one floor, and space for an office, whether it be a spare bedroom or a den.

Well, I did some searching yesterday during a unmotivated moment at work, and I found a great house. It didn't have a fenced in yard (since Black Dog is a wanderer at times, it would be nice), but it had four very nice sized bedrooms upstairs, as well as a laundry. No more schlepping laundry up and down the stairs. The real kicker was that the price was about $60k lower than I had seen on similar homes that didn't have the features that this one did.

I've been working on Husband about this for a while. We have really been struggling to keep our gigantic yard in check, and I fear that we are on our way to becoming the unkempt house on our street. An acre is a lot of work, even with a riding lawn mower. We were at a house over Thanksgiving where they had two largish dogs like we do, and the the lot was maybe a third of an acre. There was plenty of room for the dogs to do their thing, and it probably takes less than an hour to push mow. Something this size would mean more time for us, less time on the lawn and upkeep. I was elated. I finally had found the right argument that would appeal to his senses.

Feeling a little too sure of myself, and unexpectedly secure in my advocacy skill, I endeavored to show Husband this little gem last night. I wanted to broach this discussion at some point. Figuring out our housing situation was one of the things on the short checklist that I had prior to having another baby. Now, mind you, I don't hold a great deal of optimism for this cycle, because, well, things never work that way for us. I fully expect to have to spend the entire $5000 elected for my FSA next year. However, the planner in me was worried about the what ifs. What if we ARE successful this time? What if we end up with multiples? Granted, both items are a bit on the improbable side, but to loosely follow Spock's reasoning, even the improbable has possibilities. (OK, so I mangled the analogy, but true Trekkies will get it.) Getting back to my checklist, I had decided a while ago that we can't play fast and loose with the realities of what another child will mean. We just can't. With Son, we had the luxury of some flexibility. Not so much this time. I simply couldn't allow us to enter this endeavor without some sort of discussion.

So I broach it with Husband. I had a whole little script in my head, how I would contain the conversation, and not let it get heated. As usual, I was so incredibly wrong. The Reader's Digest version goes like this: Husband hates the idea, doesn't want to move, we can't afford it (um, yes we can, you might just have to give up a couple of small things), I'm not making any sense, it's a stupid idea, lots of crying, me giving in (as usual).

I am so incredibly disappointed. Husband doesn't want to leave this house, even though it is obvious to me and any other person that I have talked to that we have simply outgrown this house. Our life has changed from the childless, cat owner, lots of spare time variety to a small family of cat and dog owning, toddler chasing, with absolutely no spare time and fighting over who mowed the lawn last (oh that one is the doozey of them all) life. His big thing is that we can't afford it, but yet he thinks that if we add on, all of our problems will be solved. We can do a bunch of it ourselves. I hate to be a bitch here, but the bathroom that he started before Son was born is JUST NOW getting a ceiling. I'm not talking a palace here, just an 6x7 3/4 bath. What the hell would he do with a whole new part of the house?? If I could ever get him to sit down and do the math, I don't think that we would come out any more ahead. I'm sick and tired of always having to try to make due with things that ultimately won't fit the need.

So, in the end, we both feel like we lost, he accused me of being, let's see, stupid, overly emotional, I need to get back on meds because obviously I am out of control because I got upset and actually felt something. He's pulling the whole "woe is me" crap, and nothing changed. All that happened is that we hurt each other, and nothing was even remotely resolved.

Just as a disclaimer, I know that we are lucky to have what we have. I know that. However, I work my tail off, and it wasn't easy getting here either, so just once I want to have something that I want, and I'm sick of always being the one to compromise and give in. It just ends up taking pieces of your soul that you never get back.