However, I really needed to get back here again. I didn't mean to say goodbye (not that anyone is listening anymore), just had to re-focus. Hitting 40 is really beginning to sink in, the life change that it really is. I thought that after having two kids, even as an "infertile," I would really leave that in my rear view mirror, and never have to go back to that place. I find now that I can see the end of my reproductive days in the not-so-far distance, I'm having to confront all of that all over again. I had wanted a third child, and my husband shot it down with nary a look back. Which makes me feel all the more alone and even a bit crazy.
Maybe this just ends up being an online journal that is mine only-and that's probably OK. I need a place to talk this, as well as other, things out. I don't have many sounding boards, so at least I can get these things out, and maybe get rid of this completely unnerving, unsettled feeling. Its been chasing me for a while now, and I really would like it to break off pursuit.