Wednesday, September 09, 2009

And that's all I have to say about that.....

OK, enough already about my mornings. Today wasn't a good one, but I know that we'll get back on track tomorrow. Son admitted that he likes getting to school early, and that maybe, just maybe, it would help if he would just get dressed when told to life would be easier. Hmmmm....maybe this is all sinking in.

Life in general has been moving along at a predictable, albeit hectic, pace. Work has calmed down a bit-the group that had been making life very interesting for almost a year was officially disbanded in mid-July. There is another project of a much smaller scope coming up, and I'm looking forward to it. For some reason, crazy seems to make me feel needed around here. I really need to talk to someone about that....

Other than the kids getting a year older this month (ack! sob!), things at home have settled into something resembling a schedule. I'm trying to be more active with the kids, trying to be more engaged. I hate having to spend Saturday mornings sorting laundry and cleaning cat boxes and unloading the dishwasher and taking out the dogs while they sit and watch all of the recorded kid shows from the past week, but if I don't, we are sunk. It's an ongoing battle, one that I'm hoping I can find a strategy for. As I've mentioned before, Husband usually manages to disappear during this time. I honestly can't tell you what he did last week-really, I can't. But, if you ask him, I don't do enough at home. I try not to get snippy about it, but I can't help but let it boil over once in a while. He just looks at me like I've lost my mind. I'm sorry, but mowing the lawn DOES NOT COUNT. He just sits and watches TV, and while Son will curl up with him, I really wish that he would find a way to actually DO something with him. It's an ongoing point of contention, and one that is growing, at least in my mind.

Honestly, there are days where I just don't like Husband that much. I never thought that I would be in this place, since what had pulled us together was a shared background, and he really was a good listener and made me feel valued. That really isn't there anymore, and there are days where I'm actually happy that he isn't there-it's just easier than having to accommodate all of his dislikes and triggers. We have a two year old that doesn't have a volume control. She is loud and just wants to be heard. She's TWO. He doesn't get that, and yells at her. I'm stuck between wanting to cry, wanting to yell at him for being such an ass and prima donna, and being full of resentment that he doesn't get that I don't get any downtime either. And that makes me even crabbier than before. I don't think that we're at the point of no return, but it feels like we are looking down the slippery slope. The sad thing is, I don't think that he sees it. I'm just always there, always taking care of things, so he doesn't have to worry. I found myself thinking about how nice it would be to have my clothes folded and put in a place where all I have to do is put them away. Where someone else makes sure that I have the basics taken care of. To just be taken care of. I just don't foresee it ever happening.

I'm tired, but at least I have my kids. I know that they shouldn't be providing all of my emotional validation, but they are. I'm trying not to rely on them for that, but I have to say that it's nice to get a hug from them and know that there are no further aspirations or expectations. They do it because they love me, they need me. I just can't seem to get that anywhere else lately, and I'm feeling a bit depleted. The moronic thing? I still have this ember glowing inside about wanting to have a third. I've gone over all of the reasons why this is nuts, but it's still there. Sigh.

One of these days I'll have my act together, but I'm not counting on it.


Kristina said...

Awwww... ((HUGS)) I'm sorry things are such a struggle. I'm sorry your hubby isn't helping as much as he could and I'm sorry that you're carrying so much of the load on your own.

I'm not nice when it comes to someone else complaining about how I do things at home - that usually means I give them the task to do. If they're complaining, they must be better at it than me... so they must want to do it, right!!

You could try asking him to make a list of all the things he thinks need to be done and you make a list of all the things you think need to be done. Maybe that way you can negotiate a better split so you can spend some time lounging on the sofa too.

(((HUGS)) I hope things get better soon.

Rosepetal said...

Sorry about your situation. My situation has been very similar (although appears to be improving now) and I'm afraid I hear pretty much the same song being sung by 90% of the working mothers I know.

can you afford a cleaning lady (or man for that matter)? I'm thinking about that - it would just avoid so many arguments.


DD said...

Oh yes! I can so relate. Every week night, my husband can stay up until midnight watching football after I've crashed hours earlier. Do you think that during commercial breaks he could wipe down the counters; load the dishwasher; sweep??

And on the weekends, after I've been busting my ass doing the things I don't have time for since I work out of the home full-time, he seems to miraculously come down with a headache so fierce he naps for a couple of hours in the afternoon and then to bed by 9:30. If it wasn't for the fact his body would be too heavy to roll off the deck, he might have found himself pushing up daisies years ago.