Monday, April 23, 2007

Just a littly antsy

Tomorrow is the BIG ultrasound. I'm nervous. I really have no reason to be. Our first trimester screen came back about as good as can be. No more spotting or scary symptoms. I've recently had a growth spurt, which isn't related to pigging out, since I've been sticking to the whole diabetic restrictions thing.

I'm just a little worried that I may end up being one of those unsuspecting types that has something really bad happen, or be revealed. I haven't really felt this baby move yet, and I'm getting a bit nervous. Little things here and there, but it can be weeks between jabs. I got a small kick or punch on Saturday morning after I brought Son to bed with us, but nothing since then. By this time with Son, the movement was readily identifiable, and somewhat regular. At 19w1d with a second pregnancy, I really thought that I would be feeling more. Everything that I read and hear tells me that I should. The what-ifs are swirling in my head, and I'm doing my best to hold them at bay. After what felt like a never-ending weekend, I'm overly tired, so that isn't helping my defenses too much either. There are days where being a type A analytical type can REALLY work against you.

Part of the paranoia may be self-induced, and I recognize that . It seems as though the worlds of infertility and loss are intertwined, and a lot of the people that I read on a regular basis have struggled with both. I think of Catherine being right about where I was when she lost Travis. I keep telling myself that this type of thing really doesn't happen that often, its just that those have gone through those tragedies are more prevelant in the areas that I tend to frequent online. However, there was one point in their lives where they thought that something like that would never happen to them. Then their lives changed forever.

I'm worried about the gender determination as well. As romantic as it may be not to find out, the practical side of me needs to know, to prepare, from both a physical sense (yes, the purple and pink butterflies instead of the train bedding) and to emotionally bond a bit more. I really haven't done that yet. I would be OK with anything, really. If a boy, how nice for Son to have brother, since those bonds can be pretty special. However, since this is most likely the last time we do this, I will never get a daughter to do all of the girly stuff (which, although extremely out of practice, I can do pretty darn well). If a girl, the fear of creating yet another in the long line of screwed up mother-daughter relationships that run in my family. Sadness that Son won't have a brother. Yep, I'm a real ray of sunshine.

Ultrasound is tomorrow morning at 9am. I've got to drink 16 oz half an hour prior to the appointment. Oh the joy. Please let everything be OK. Please.

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