Monday, October 26, 2009

Memories

It's funny what can be a trigger for memories. A scent, a date on the calendar, the clouds on a certain day.

For example, since I l ive in the great white north, none of the exterior doors to my building at work open right into the building, you have to go through another set. The gate that I tend to use is right next to the outdoor "smoke shack." I have to pause to badge in, and the smell of stale smoke and the outside always takes me back to the bowling alley in my little home town. My dad has bowled league pretty much since my conception. On the rare occasion that my mom wasn't home on league nights, I would get to go with, and that smell just takes me there. I can actually see it in great detail, one that honestly hasn't changed based on the last time that I was in there.

Then, there is the calendar. Both Son and BabyA were conceived in December, which means that I was usually cycling around this time of year. Trying to get downtown to my clinic during rush hour in the fall rain or early winter sleet, thanking God that I could get by with my bigger sweaters because I was all puffy from the progesterone and the injectables. It just seems strange, even two years later, to not be doing that again. There is a rhythm of sorts to infertility treatments. At least for me; if I couldn't have the predictability of a regular cycle on my own, it was of ultrasound, bloodwork, trips to the pharmacy.

So, alas, my thoughts turn to wanting to find that rhythm again. I had actually come to some sort of point where I was almost OK with being done. It still feels wrong, in a way that I can't articulate, to go through what we did, invest so much money, time, and emotion, and then just close and weld the door shut. Husband can't understand it; he thinks I'm nuts. Maybe since it was never really his body failing; barely sub-normal motility aside, he never had the feeling of failure and utter contempt for his body. The only way that I was able to at least push the majority of that aside was having kids, nursing them, in essence growing them.

I've been struggling a bit more with this since the announcement that my brother and his wife are expecting in January. I felt all of those weird, knee jerk reactions steeped in years of infertility, in addition to a degree of self-loathing that I was feeling that way STILL, even after two kids. Would this give me a baby fix that I seem to need so much, or will it hammer home that I'm not done? I'm old, I'm a repeat gestational diabetic, I could end up paying for daycare for three (!), and I'm a bedroom short. Oh, and the other half of the required genetic material, since he's not supportive of the idea.

To some degree, it almost feels like infertility all over again-wanting something that is so far out of reach, but feeling that it would be the last piece in the puzzle. It's not like my kids aren't good enough, or don't fulfill that part of me. That's not it at all. I just feel as though we aren't complete yet. Would I be crushed it we ended up staying at two? No. Not in the least. The two of them are more than I could have ever anticipated. I'm still amazed some days when I have to look back in the car and settle a fight between two talking, sentient beings.

That being said, am I tempting fate to expect another good outcome? The two previous outcomes were more than I could have asked for. What if, by wanting more, and not appearing to appreciate what I have, will I get more than I can handle? What if we don't dodge the multiple bullet? What if something goes wrong? I understand fertiles have the same issues, but because it was so hard getting here, I wonder if the stakes aren't a bit higher, at least in my own mind.

My fear is that time will just pass us by, and by making no affirmative decision we really make a decision with no thought, no discussion. Big talks like this don't usually go too well at my house. Despite my best efforts, I get all emotional, which tends to hold less weight with Husband than something that I can lay out in the type of ABC logic that he seems to require. I get pissed off that he doesn't "get it", and that if he really knew me at all he would and he's so mean....you get the idea. The whole issue that I can't really point to one particular factor doesn't help my cause. I read an article not too long ago that pretty much said that if you are wanting another baby to fill a personal void-companionship, a need for attention, etc.-you are doing it for the wrong reasons. I don't think that I fall into that camp but since I'm the type that can analyze things to death, it keeps pecking at me.

So. It's fall. I'm thinking about babies. And unable to make any decision at all.

4 comments:

Angie said...

Under completely different circumstances, I am right there with you in thinking about babies and unable to make any decision at all camp. Infertility is just so shitty, no matter how you look at it. It throw a wrench into normalcy. If we could just "do it" and get pregnant, it really wouldn't revolve around any sort of discussion, it wouldn't involve a third party and all the additional considerations that go along with it.

Much like you, when I reach down I feel in my heart of hearts that our family is not complete. Would I be happy just having our son? Of course! He is the light of my life. BUT. I have this big nagging feeling that there is someone missing that would complete our family perfectly.

I'm no help, just wanted to let you know that I get it. Fall always reminds me of being pregnant too and makes me feel very nostalgic.

Erin said...

I'm feeling nostalgic right now for several of the same reasons. A big part of it is the time of year. Both my boys turn a year older within the next 5 weeks and they suddenly seem so big.

It just sucks that infertiles can't simply decide, "Hey, let's have another child!" and poof, you're pregnant. So many people do it without even thinking about it. How many fertiles think "Should I just be grateful with the ones I have since they're wonderful?" I would imagine not many. But we infertiles, we think that since we begged for such a blessing and it was granted, we shouldn't wish for more. I think having kids makes it even harder sometimes--there's no way to avoid the fertiles who are the parents of your kids' friends, and then you see the sweetness of your children. How can you help but want more sometimes?

I have no answers but lots of empathy.

serenity said...

This is a gorgeous post.

I wish I had words to make you feel better. Or give you clarity.

Just know that I'm hoping you find it soon.

xxx

pithydithy said...

It's amazing to me how the pain and angst and longing and self-loathing of infertility can lurk beneath the surface long after we have children. I hope that you can find peace in a decision soon. I'm also thinking about a third and I swing wildly back and forth from "Hell no, I can barely deal with the life I lead!" to "But I just really want a third...I feel like we should be a family of five....I'm not ready to be done!" Of course, I've also decided firmly against more fertility treatments, so the decision may be out of my hands anyway.