Ouch.

OK, I have to fess up. One of the very few things that I DON'T mind about having PCOS is that a lack of periods really isn't that big of a deal if you don't want to get pregnant at the time. Really. Oh, I know, there is that whole facial hair issue, and the weight combined with the diabetes risk, and then the infertility thing. But other than that? Not so bad.

As a matter of fact, I was at my yearly OB/GYN visit a couple of months ago and after the damn scale (cursed thing!), the nice nurse asked the date of my last period. When I replied, "December 1, 2006" she just looked at me with a funny look. I explained that I had a 15 month old (at the time). She just asked as she handed me the pee cup, "Are you worried?" I had to laugh, that laugh reserved for infertiles when encountering someone that doesn't know their history. I just told her that it would require an act of God for me to be worried. I don't think that she even checked.

At that appointment, my GYN wasn't quite as glib. She looked at me from over her glasses, and told me in no uncertain terms that I wasn't allowed to wait much longer. She had all sorts of good medical reasons. We also discussed the fact that I was down to one, maybe two, brief nursing sessions a day, and really wasn't that protected anymore (in addition to the mini pill that I have been on since BabyA was six weeks old). Again, I pulled out my laugh. She upped the ante by telling me about one of her patients that was in the same boat, with the same absolute belief that it would take divine intervention, and was now 36 weeks with twins. You know, those stories that any infertile hates. I have to admit, that I took a bit, just a tiny bit, to heart. As previously discussed, now would not be the right time to have the oops that I occasionally happily dream of. My luck just seems to work that way.

No, I am not leading up to any announcement, other than PMS sucks. I've been spotting off and on for a couple of weeks now, and I just started the "real" pill last night, and I feel like crap. I always get a bit nauseous when I start out on the pill, and this time is no exception. I also feel all bloaty, my back hurts, and I just want to crawl into bed. Oh, and isn't it SOOOOO convenient that this was the way that I felt each time I was pregnant? I'm pushing it far to the back corners of my mind, although I might pull out a test in a couple of weeks just to make sure. Faced with the reality of a third, it does scare me a little bit. What an odd feeling, an infertile afraid of being pregnant. I just feel to some degree like I am "over it." I don't have that driving, desperate need anymore. If we don't have any more, we could be OK. I just need to find a way to accept it if that is the end result. It just feels really strange to worry about something like this, when my reality has been so different.

Blech. I'm going home to find a salt lick and some more caffeine. And then as many Advil as possible. This being a girl stuff isn't so much fun....