Thursday, November 15, 2007


I know that this blog, if any of you are still out there and haven't been bored to absolute tears, has become horribly stuck on one topic-kids, kids, and more kids. Hell, I'm tired of it too.

What follows is a rant, plain and simple. If you're an infertile, you may want to look away, since the subject matter is how my kids are sucking me dry right now, how desperately I'm in need of a respite, and how today was one of those days where I ached to have my old life back (since this is MY fantasy, I won't poo all over it with reminders of how much I wanted kids).

It just hit me as I was walking a cranky two month old for the third time in an hour after she should have been asleep, that I haven't had what would count as a true break in quite a while. For some reason, 45 minutes alone at Target-chosen purposefully since my cell phone gets crappy reception in the concrete temple of all things bulls eye-just ain't cutting it. I know that part of it is that BabyA still isn't real taken with the whole nap thing, and really isn't content to spend more than 15 minutes at a time engaged in an activity where I'm not holding her, I'm not getting that half an hour or so to just flip through a magazine, or do something productive like fold laundry. We are going out of town this weekend, and after sorting everything today, I had a small mountain of laundry that really needs to be done before we shove off tomorrow afternoon. I'm stressed out about how when we get to our destination, Husband will no doubt wander off and have fun, while I run interference with a cranky baby, and a toddler who will be wound up beyond all recognition. I'll also have the fun of being the referee between super pushy older cousin and Son. Wahoo, all kinds of fun.

I'm wound up about going back to work. My manager was in town for the past couple of weeks, and said that he had wanted to have lunch. Part of me thinks that I was so "busy" and didn't end up seeing him because I just don't want to face the crap that I will be walking back into. We had yet another major management change rather abruptly a couple of weeks ago, and instead of going in the right direction, I think that this is a negative change. The former head of our department is a superstar-people all over the country in our little niche of the law know him, and he brought a maturity to our group that we have been lacking. He knew how to play the political game, but yet still get the right result in the end. He was bringing us up to the big leagues, on par with the IBMs and Kodaks, etc. We all knew that he had general counsel written all over him, and expected him to be at the head of the line when our relatively young GC stepped down in a couple of years.

I get a phone call a couple of weeks ago telling me that the time table has been moved up over a year. Our former head is now the acting GC, effective immediately, and that the new head of our group is probably the worst thing that could have ever happened to us. He's a micromanaging control freak that sent that last new attorney that he hired running in less than a month. He's ultra conservative, extremely risk adverse, and doesn't take kindly to anyone differing in opinion from him. This is not a good thing for me. While I still report to my original manager, I expect some serious changes. I've been left alone for most of my career. I don't hesitate to make a decision if I need to. I'll use my best efforts to get input or guidance from those above me if necessary, but if they can't/won't get back to me in the timeframe that I need, I feel comfortable in making the executive decision. Up until now, I've done that with the blessing of whomever was managing me at the time. However, with this guy, I don't see that happening. The thing that make this all the more difficult is that he is painfully slow to make any decision, and tends to be an obstructionist as opposed to trying to find creative ways to solve problems, or make a deal work that is a win for everyone. I've had clients ask me to step in on issues that obviously weren't mine due to technology, but they were desperate for action, and needed help now. Our business moves too fast to sit on things, so I know that I have probably stepped on his toes more than once. I'm just worried that he is going to make life very difficult, when it is already going to be tough. I don't feel ready to go back. I don't know if I WANT to go back-not necessarily because I don't want to leave my baby (which I don't), but rather because the work environment is going to be crappy.

All of my typing appears to be bothering the princess, so I have to cut it off here. God, I miss those days of sleeping children by 8 PM.


pithydithy said...

Finn was similarly cranky for several months and would never be contented being set down. If I wanted to do anything that required two hands-- laundry, getting something to eat, taking a shower-- I had to resign myself to listen to him howl. He also took (and, I'm afraid, takes) terrible naps and refuses to sleep at any time without an adult laying down with him. It doesn't sound like too big a deal until you've spent days and days and weeks and weeks with absolutely no break at all. So, reading this, I am totally sympathetic. You have every right to whine and I hope you get a little relief soon. Hugs.

Billie said...

Ah, yes, the little vampires! It is tough, the only good thing is that it gets easier, though that's never an consolation in the moment. Right now my recently-adopted daughter is going on her second hour of crying/screaming and I'm wondering why I thought I needed a third child, when the two I had had just gotten easy! Hang in there. Billie